Saturday, June 6
My used car (never had a new one in my life) is in the shop. It’s been in the shop ten days, and won’t be repaired for another two or three. In this place (the Pensacola, Florida area), there’s no sufficient public transportation, and everything’s spread-out. So if you have no car, and have no one to drive you anywhere, you’re stuck!
And I’m stuck! And I live alone! So I’m stir-crazy! It could be worse. At least I’m stuck in a spacious, air-conditioned house–and have Internet-access! But I mention all this because I’m likely going to digress alot, in this post (stir-craziness makes you more creative and expressive). So as “Ralph Cramden” says, “And away we go!”
When I was a kid (in Mobile, Alabama) I liked comic books–not unusual for a kid. What was unusual was the kind of comic books I liked. The other boys and I walked to the Pack-a-Sack (which was later a Seven-Eleven, then a Circle K, then a video store, before it was finally demolished for more parking-space) to get our comic books. They bought the superhero comics, but I bought the horror/sci-fi/fantasy comics, like “The Witching Hour” and “The Unexpected”.
Anyway, in one of these, there was a story entitled something like, “Any Car You Want, Red or Blue”. And the story went something like this:
These auto stores open-up everywhere. The dealers (men and women) display beautiful cars. The cars only come in two colors–red and blue. But they’re free! Only rule is, one car per customer. Of course no one thinks to ask why they’re free. Everyone just picks a car, and drives it home. The engine (which is the same in every car) runs perfectly–no problems at all!
Eventually, everybody on Earth has one of these beautiful cars! Of course the roads are packed, and new roads have to be paved every day–but who cares? Then all the cars explode simultaneously, killing the drivers and passengers. The dealers shift back to their true, unearthly appearance. They have just conquered another planet!
Sunday, June 7:
Something in the first paragraph of yesterday’s entry is similar to the first lines of a 1980’s Kinks song entitled “Come Dancing”: They put a parking lot on a piece of land, where the supermarket used to stand. Before that, they put up a bowling alley, on the site that used to be the local parley. That’s where the big bands used to come and play. My sister went there on a Saturday.
It’s also similar to a series of drawings, by Robert Crumb, entitled something like “A Brief History of America”–in which, frame-by-frame, a single piece of land changes from a beautiful meadow to an ugly city block. You can see this in the 1990’s film, “Crumb”–which I consider the best documentary ever made
I was skeptical about human-induced global warming–until Hurricane Ivan drove a live-oak limb into the ceiling above my bed, threatening to impale me, in my sleep (in fact, had the ceiling been made of Sheetrock, rather than wooden planks, it probably would have impaled me)!
I’ve been a believer, ever since! But in my opinion, the leading cause of human-induced global warming is not factories–it’s cars! According to The Learning Channel (and these figures are several years old), there are 500,000,000 cars on the roads, worldwide–over 200,000,000 in the United States, alone! That’s alot of fossil-fuel burning!
Of course the new cars include filters for this. But how many of us can afford them? If I could afford a new car, I’d definitely get one. Yet I can barely afford the repairs on my 1996 vehicle! And I understand they’re working on hybrid (corn-gas fuel) cars, and even electric cars–but how many of us will be able to afford those?
We all have to be environmentalists–but we must include the human-need factor, in the equation.
You know what they use for antifreeze in Siberia? According to “More of Paul Harvey’s the Rest of the Story”, by Paul Aurandt (his son)–they use vodka! And since it probably works as coolant, too, I’d use it myself (if it weren’t so expensive here)–because I hate vodka! I’ve always hated it–tastes awful, to me! They’ve got a place here (Paddy O’Toole’s) that serves “The James Bond Martini”. I tried it once (what man wouldn’t want to be like “James Bond”). It tasted horrible, so I asked the bartender what was in it. Guess what? Vodka! It’s the only liquor I hate! Strange how different our tastes are, isn’t it?
Monday, June 8
There’s an old joke that goes like this:
Research has shown that 90% of American men masturbate in the shower. The remaining 10% sing. Do you know what they sing? I didn’t think so!
I’m one of those who sing (seriously)! I sing in the shower, I sing in bed, I sing in my living room, I sing outside, I sing in bars (karaoke), and I especially sing while driving! I’ve got dozens of songs memorized, over the years, so I have alot to choose from. Right now, I’m learning “Little Red Riding Hood”, by Sam The Sham And The Pharaohs. I’ve got it on audiocassette somewhere, amidst all my household clutter (my cassette player is broken), so I haven’t heard it in years. But I printed-out the lyrics, from the Internet, and I can still remember how it’s sung! So I’m adding it to my repertoire!
And since my car’s air-conditioner is broken, and I can’t afford to fix it–I sing with the windows down! I hate that loud bass that so many assholes play in their cars–that damned “boombox” shit! They’re so unbelievably inconsiderate of other drivers–not to mention stupid (guess who’s going to pay for their hearing-aids)!
Anyway, the worst ones are those who do this with their car windows open–talk about belligerence! But what can I do when I’m stuck at a red light beside them? I can’t tell them to turn it down–they’ll just turn it up, or even shoot me (never know who’s got a black-market firearm in his/her car). So I do this: I sing as loudly as possible, while looking straight-ahead–as if blissfully unaware of them! Of course I could still be shot. But everybody’s gotta go sometime–might as well go, not knowing what hit me!
Tuesday, June 9
I finally got my car back today! I didn’t have enough money to get the air conditioner fixed, too (and it’s extremely hot and humid, this time of year). But at least the engine works again! And just in time–I have a doctor appointment tomorrow.
Still, I must say I’d much rather have a horse–which takes me to another topic entirely. I’ve never fit-in, in this era. Even when I was a kid, I felt something was wrong. I didn’t quite have any out-of-body experiences. But I remember sitting alone in the gym at school, and wondering if this was really my life. It seemed as if my reality was actually a dream, from which I couldn’t wake. And I think I know why now. I’m in the wrong time! I belong in 1909! I’m serious–I’ve even prayed that I’d be sent back a hundred years. Of course the Creator’s answer was “no”, and obviously remains so.
But what if the Creator’s answer were “yes”? Well, I’d find myself in a forest, but I figure I could find my way into the “civilized” outskirts of Pensacola, and into the City, itself–which was then a thriving seaport. When asked who I was, I could tell them my name, and explain that I was from Mobile (which would be the truth)! Then I’d get a job as a schoolteacher, or a librarian, or even a psychologist! Wouldn’t need a resume or application (or proof of identification, for that matter)–I’d just show potential employers my 2009 skills (though I wouldn’t dare claim to be from the future)!
I’d reside in a boarding-house, on credit, until I earned enough money to buy my own house. And I’d find a beautiful young woman with a visionary mind. And I’d court her, eventually marrying her.
And if things didn’t work out here as planned, I’d simply take the train to Mobile (which was much larger then, and still is).
What about my mental illness? Well, it probably would no longer surface, because life would be so much less stressful. And if it did, I’d just drink beer with every meal, to keep it under control!
Of course I’d miss alot of things, like air-conditioning, television, and the Internet. But it’d still be worth it. And hurricanes (of which there’d be no warnings)? At least I’d know to not to venture outside in the eye of the storm–which is how most people got killed back then. What about disease (no antibiotics)–hell, I’d risk it!
Now of course all (or most) of the above might not go, as planned. But life never goes for anyone, as planned–in any era! The only certainty in life is the end of life. And besides, if the Creator zapped me back a hundred years, I’d know I belonged there then, after all!
So ends this post–this “blog within a blog”.