FROM THE FRIARS CLUB #18

And these are my two favorites from the eighteenth segment of The Friars Club Encyclopedia of Jokes (categories under the letter, S):

The manager of a ladies’ dress shop realized it was time to give one of her sales clerks a little talking-to.  “Tina, your figures are well below any of our other salespeople’s.  In fact, unless you can improve your record by the end of the month, I’m going to have to let you go.”

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Garcia,” said a chastened Tina.  “Can you give me any advice on how to do better?

“Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about.  It sounds silly, but it’s worked for me in the past.  Get hold of a dictionary and go through it page by page until you come to a word that has particular power for you.  Memorize it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you’ll be amazed at the results.”

Sure enough, Tina’s figures went way up, and at the end of the month Mrs. Garcia called her in again and congratulated her.  “Did you try my little trick?” she asked.

Tina nodded.  “It took me the whole weekend to find the right word, but I did:  ‘fantastic.’ “

” ‘Fantastic.’  What a good word,” said Mrs. Garcia encouragingly.  “How’ve you been using it?”

“Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted into the most exclusive prep school in the city.”  I said, ‘Fantastic.’  She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A’s, was captain of the swim team, and was the most popular girl in her class, but was always home in bed by eleven o’clock.  I said, ‘Fantastic.’  And she bought three dresses, two blouses, a skirt, and a sweater set.  My next customer told me she needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the Ardsley Country Club, which she was in charge of.  I said, ‘Fantastic.’   She went on to say that ten other women had wanted to head the dance committee, but she had won because her tennis game was the best, she had the best figure, and her husband made the most money.  I said, ‘Fantastic.’  And she not only bought a designer gown, but also three pairs of shorts, two hats, and a raincoat.  And it’s been like that all week:  the customers keep boasting, I keep saying ‘Fantastic,’ and they keep buying.”

“Excellent work, Tina,” complimented her boss.  “Just as a point of interest, what did you used to say to customers before you discovered your power word?”

Tina shrugged.  “I used to say, ‘Who gives a shit?'”

 

 

In the Beginning was The Plan

And then came the Assumptions

And the Assumptions were without form

and The Plan was completely without substance

and the darkness was upon the face of the workers

and they spoke among themselves, saying,

“It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh to high heaven.”

And the workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,

“It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof.”

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,

“It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.”

And the Managers went unto the Directors and sayeth,

“It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another,

“It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them,

“It promotes growth and is very powerful.”

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him,

“This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this Company, and these Areas in particular.”

And the President looked upon The Plan,

And saw that it was good, and The Plan became Company Policy.

This Is How Shit Happens.

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