I was just thinking about my plight, having never been married at age 46.  And I came to this conclusion: A woman’s work is never done–and neither is a bachelor’s.  This is something that has never changed.

But dating has.  Even in my early twenties, the genuine personals ads in the newspaper had been replaced by call-girl ads, under the auspices of escort services.  So I discovered the Mobile Singles Line.  This was a phone-dating service that was a very good deal.  There were Singles Lines in cities all over the U.S.–all managed by Call America Systems, in Jacksonville, Florida.  You wouldn’t pay by the minute–you’d just pay a flat fee for a week, a month, or two months–$20, $30, or $40.  You could call as many times as you wanted, leave messages for as many people as you wanted, and receive messages from as many people as you wanted.  You’d create a voice-ad, and once it was approved (they were pretty strict about foul or suggestive language), then you’d listen to all the other ads, and respond to them.  Of course, you couldn’t see the person before meeting, but that’s how a blind date’s supposed to be, anyway.

And I did very well on the Mobile Singles Line.  I got a membership multiple times, and was successful every time, but one.  Most of the women wouldn’t be interested, of course, since I didn’t have a job, but there was always one who was–always an older woman.  And I had many short-lived, yet highly pleasurable relationships with these women.

After moving to Pensacola though, in 1998, the Pensacola Singles Line did not go well for me.  I got on it multiple times, and only had one short-lived, yet pleasurable relationship with an older woman.   Pensacola women are very different from Mobile women, because Pensacola people are so different.  Pensacola is a very conservative city, and very religious–far more than Mobile is (Mobile is much larger, thus more cosmopolitan).  So the biggest reason I had virtually no luck with the Pensacola Singles Line was that the women here were far more hung-up about dating younger men, and far more hung-up about dating unsaved (i.e. non-Christian) men (as they still are).

Most recently, I called to try the Pensacola Singles Line once again–and it no longer existed, because Call America Systems no longer existed–it had been beaten-out by Internet Dating.  So I joined eHarmony.  But I had no luck with that at all, primarily because I didn’t have a job, secondarily because I wasn’t Christian (I searched within a thirty-mile radius, so it was the same population of conservative, highly religious women).

When I was on the Pensacola Singles Line, however, I created multiple voice ads–which were all approved but one.  And this one still amuses the hell out of me.  Naturally, I would listen to the ads of my male competitors to get an idea of what women wanted to hear.  And these guys, like the girls, were not interested in creative writing, or other intellectual pursuits.  They were soft-spoken, blue-collar guys with heavy accents (the kind of guys of which I’ve always been most jealous, because women just go crazy over them).  So I created the following ad, in response to those of my competitors–and I’ll never know whether it would have worked or not, since it wasn’t approved (I was told it was too suggestive, but I still disagree):

Hi, ladies–yer in luck!  My name’s Buck!  I kinda walk like a duck!  But I drive a big ol’ truck!  And I love to . . . fish!

Ladies, are you tired of hearing ads like this. . .


  1. 1 Abby April 11, 2012 at 11:03 am

    Ha! Unapproved! I guess some places are easier to be single than others.

    • 2 solosocial April 11, 2012 at 12:57 pm


      I once saw a bumper sticker that read: I THINK, THEREFORE I’M SINGLE. And though I cannot help but laugh–I can also attest that being single is not as fun as it’s popularly imagined to be.

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