FROM THE BOQ: LOVE & SEX #7

Another question from Gregory Stock’s book is this:

Would you rather have a strikingly attractive spouse who was disappointing in bed, or a plain-looking one who was fantastic in bed?

This calls to mind alot of stuff I’ve heard over the years–the old joke about putting a sack over your ugly wife’s head, the song that goes: “If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never pick a pretty girl to be your wife–from my personal point of view, pick an ugly girl to marry you!”; the line from an Eagles song, “They had one thing in common, they were good in bed…”

There’s so much emphasis on sexual performance these days (in the mass media), probably more than ever before.  But to me, sexual performance is relative to emotional attraction.  In short, the best lover is the one you love.  The less affection, the less satisfying the sex is; the more affection, the more satisfying the sex is.  The stronger my affection for a woman, the more satisfying our sexual intercourse will be–especially if the affection is mutual.

Sure, there are certain things one can do to enhance his/her sex life.  But these things are highly dependent on the individual–there are no across-the-board secrets that work for everyone.  And the stronger the emotional bond, the more one lover listens to the other, to discover what she/he enjoys most.

I once had a date with a very attractive brunette–older woman (I cannot recall her name), and we ended-up kissing in a park, after sunset.  And though it didn’t go further than kissing (same old bullshit–she decided she was too old for me), she was the best kisser I ever had.  Because she nibbled on my lower lip.  It was very gentle, she didn’t draw any blood or anything–it was just enough to make my whole body tingle with pleasure, without causing any pain.  I did the same, to her, having learned this technique, and she enjoyed it as much as I. 

But this wouldn’t be pleasurable for everyone, some people would probably find it very uncomfortable–we just happened to be two individuals who enjoyed it.  And the fact that my feelings for her were very strong made it even more enjoyable. 

What I’m saying is that little techniques are easy to learn–but they are useless if there’s no affection involved. 

As for my answer to Gregory Stock’s question, I’d rather have a plain-looking wife who was fantastic in bed.  Because if my wife were disappointing in bed, no matter how attractive she was, this would mean there were a lack of affection on my part–or on her part.  Likewise, if my wife were fantastic in bed, this would mean there were a strong emotional attachment, at least on my part, but probably on hers as well.

It’s been said that the primary sex organ is the brain–and this is quite true.  During sex, everything depends on one’s thoughts, and especially one’s feelings toward the other.  Peter Gabriel says sings it best: Only love can make love.

8 Responses to “FROM THE BOQ: LOVE & SEX #7”


  1. 1 bearmancartoons May 10, 2012 at 9:40 am

    Luckily I didn’t have to make that choice.

  2. 3 Abby May 10, 2012 at 11:29 am

    I would hope that most people would answer like you did (I would!), but as I thought about this, I remember that there are plenty of people for whom “appearances” are more important than sincerity. They are primarily concerned with how things look on the outside. Some “strikingly attractive” couples are not happy couples!

    • 4 solosocial May 10, 2012 at 6:06 pm

      Yes indeed. I notice this whenever a married man of fame and/or power cheats on his beautiful wife. He always picks a woman who is far less attractive–often a skanky-looking prostitute. Shows there’s something wrong with his seemingly wonderful marriage. I suspect a man like that seeks the most beautiful woman to marry, as simply a trophy wife.

  3. 5 JillsyGirl Studio May 10, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    luckily I have both! 🙂

  4. 7 theduffboy May 11, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    I agree with you on most if not all of your points, though beauty is a subjective matter. Sex is definitely driven by the brain, our own perceptions, hangups, fantasies, as you`ve pointed out.


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