FROM NATIONAL LAMPOON TRUE FACTS (#4)

From the “Police Reports” column of the San Antonio (Tex.) Express News:  “A woman, 40, invited a man over for a beer in hopes of talking about real estate, but instead he talked about not having sex for five years.  She seemed to be intoxicated, police noted, and claimed to have been raped, but said the man did not use force.  She said she was mad because he did not stay longer and left with some of her Elvis Presley tapes.”

 

A candidate for the council in Teresina, Brazil, Deusdedit Nunes dos Santos, campaigned by passing out women’s panties emblazoned with his nickname, Garincha.  According to the Vancouver Sun, “Women in the poverty-stricken region fight for the panties, screaming as they shove each other out of the way.”

“I’m sure those who wear my presents will remember my name,” Nunes was reported as saying.

 

When a man boarded a San Francisco city bus singing, the driver warned him to stop or get off, prompting other passengers to begin singing in sympathy.  “In just a few minutes, practically everybody aboard was singing,” said a passenger.  “It was really quite moving.”  However, the driver pulled over and stood outside the bus, refusing to drive for 30 minutes while the passengers continued to sing their defiant rendition of “Jingle Bells.”

–AP

 

When Phoebe Schneider of Carteret, N.J., decided she wanted to divorce her husband Eugene after 33 years of marriage, she found she needed a lawyer and a housing inspector.

Her husband, taking the “fair and equitable division of property” clause of New Jersey’s divorce laws quite literally, went to his toolbox, got out a chainsaw, and cut their $80,000 home in half.

 

Elkman Advertising, an agency representing the McDonald’s hamburger chain in the Philadelphia, Pa., area, issued a memorandum outlining McDonald’s policy regarding radio advertising.  McDonald’s requires that an interim of 15 minutes separate its ads from those of competitive advertisers on the air.  The policy statement defined competitive accounts as “drive-in restaurants, full-menu restaurants, indigestion remedies, and dog food.”

 

The Royal Canadian Mounted Police swooped down on a number of motels in Grande Prairie, Alberta, and confiscated “adult” films used for in-room entertainment.  According to motel owners, the police seized one Walt Disney movie during their purge of obscene material.  The film was The Black Hole.

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