FROM THE BOQ: LOVE & SEX #35

Another question from Gregory Stock’s book is this:

What do you think makes someone a great lover?  What fraction of what you own would you be willing to give up in order to be one of the best lovers in the world?

I actually have a book on the subject–How to Make Love to a Woman, by Michael Morgenstern.  I bought it decades ago.  It had (and still has) many good suggestions.  But in reading it, I really didn’t learn alot that I didn’t already know.  Because I had so much experience.

Experience really is the best teacher.  There’s even a quote I saw on a placard at Cracker Barrel once–it’s meant to be tongue-in-cheek, but it’s really right-on:  “Good judgement comes from experience; experience comes from poor judgement.”

There’s a line from a Peter Gabriel song that’s also right-on:  “Only love can make love.”  And though you don’t necessarily have to love someone, or even just be in love with someone, to be a great lover–you do have to focus, not on what pleases you, but what pleases the other.  In “making love”, it really is more blessed to give than to receive. 

And I’ve learned alot about pleasing the other because of my unique sexual experiences.  As aforementioned, I’ve never had a lasting relationship–but I have had plenty of sex in the past.  Yet in almost every case, it was with a woman considerably older than I–often twice my age.  These older women taught me alot of things about pleasing a woman that women my age couldn’t have possibly taught me. 

Another way I’ve learned is through the unfortunate side effects of psychiatric medication–particularly erectile dysfunction.  When I first began taking Anafranil (clomipramine) in my twenties, I found that it worked wonders for my OCD.  But I also found, to my agonizing dismay, that it caused erectile dysfunction.  So on those rare occasions when I actually had a girlfriend, I couldn’t have intercourse with her.  And this forced me to discover how to please a woman in other ways–particularly with my fingers.  There’s a bumper sticker that reads, “It’s not how deep you fish, it’s how you wiggle your worm!”  And that’s actually quite true.  It hurt that I couldn’t be pleased because I couldn’t actually have intercourse with these women–but it helped to know that they could be pleased by me.  I even learned how to find a woman’s G-spot (and the G-spot does exist) in seconds, and how to stimulate it–literally bringing her to deafening moans–all because I had to use my fingers, instead of my penis.

Yet one does not have to have the same experiences as I, in order to gain experience.  If you are fortunate enough to have someone in your life, you can still gain plenty of experience–thus become a great lover, in your own right.  All you have to do is consider the other’s needs above yours–in giving, you shall receive.  And don’t be afraid to communicate in bed.  Tell the other what pleases you most–and be gracious in receiving as well as in giving.

As to the second part of Dr. Stock’s question: I would give nothing I own in order to be one of the best lovers in the world, because–for all I know–I already am. 

If you consider it boastful of me to say I am one of the best lovers in the world, consider this also:

It does me no good. 

In high school, I discovered I had a talent for public speaking–and I won many awards–even spoke at graduation.  I’ve even achieved the level of ATM (Advanced Toastmaster) in Toastmasters International for my talent.

I’m a great public speaker.

But it does me no good:  I have no audience to listen to me.

Likewise, in college I discovered I had a talent for creative writing.  I took fifteen creative writing courses (including advanced poetry writing and graduate-level fiction writing)–and made an “A” in every single one of them.

I’m a great writer.

But it does me no good:  I have no readership, because most of what I submit for publication is rejected.

And likewise, I’m a great lover.

But it does me no good:  Most women will not give me the opportunity to treat them to dinner, let alone please them in bed.

If a tree falls in the forest, and there’s no one around to hear it, does it make a sound?  Of course it does–it emits sound waves.  But what good is that, since there’s no one around to hear it?

And likewise, if I have a gift, a contribution, is it appreciated?  Of course it is–I appreciate it.  But what good is that, since no one else appreciates it?

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