Archive for May, 2015


When I was a teenager, I liked to watch the television series Dallas.  Why?  The women were hot, first of all.  But second of all, I really liked watching J.R. Ewing get away with all he did!  I didn’t admire him–I just envied him.  Here I was a teenager who was perhaps a bit too conscientious–while this J.R. was a total sociopath (having no conscience whatsoever)!  And being a total sociopath, J.R. was able to have alot more fun than I could ever have!  It wasn’t worth his soul though–which he had obviously sold out from the very beginning of the series.

Perhaps the most unscrupulous thing I remember him doing was running for some political office–unscrupulous not necessarily for his campaigning, but for his campaign slogan.  His slogan was:  GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT.

Take a look at that slogan, if you will–and point out the word that is incorrect.  Not grammatically incorrect, not politically incorrect–but ethically incorrect.




The ethically incorrect word in that slogan is want, isn’t it?  Shouldn’t want be replaced with need?  I believe it should.


Often, perhaps usually, what we need is not what what we want–and what we want is not what we need.  In fact, sometimes what we want is the worst thing we could have.

Who are our political leaders to give us what we need?  Who are they to decide what we need?  Shouldn’t they just give us what we want?  After all, it’s not our leaders’ place to question what we want, is it?  And it’s certainly not our leaders’ place to decide what we need, is it?  They are not our parents–and they’re certainly not our Creator.

Yet our leaders, here in the United States, as elsewhere in the world, are so much like J.R. Ewing, in that they almost never give us what we need–and almost always give us what we want, without once considering the inevitable consequences.  And the consequences are grave, aren’t they?

I was going to list some things here that our leaders have given us that we may have wanted but definitely did not need–things that do us so much more harm than good (the cell towers that enable the use of cell phones and other mobile devices being at the very top of the list).  But frankly, I’m tired of writing on this topic. Perhaps you can think of some things like this.


This is an experiment.

It will probably be similar to that “Blog Within a Blog” post I wrote years ago.

There is something seriously wrong with my health.  I’m reasonably certain it is primarily caused by the psychiatric medications I’ve been taking for so many years.  The medications are as effective as ever for their purpose.  But it seems that my body simply cannot handle the physical side effects any longer.

I need to change the subject for now–this pain I experience daily, particularly in my eyes and in the top facial part of my head, is aggravated when I think about it.

Yet this is primarily why I’m writing this:  I haven’t been able to read much lately, not to mention write because my vision is so blurry during these episodes, and my eyes sting so intensely.  It’s kind of like a severe headache–but a different kind of headache altogether.  Yet I must write–I simply must.

A little at a time, a little at a time.

I could date these entries in this post–but I want to keep this as simple as possible.  You know how your eyes feel when you emerge from a swimming pool with too much chlorine–or from salt water–that’s how my eyes have been feeling every day.  But it’s not just the way they feel in front–this stinging goes to the back of my eyes too.  And it further extends into the facial area all around my eyes.  There is also tightness in my head.

This started last October, and has gotten progressively worse.  I’ve had everything checked–even my thyroid.  But the only thing for which I’ve tested positive is kidney disease.  Not diabetes–my blood sugar has actually been quite low.  My primary doctor says this kidney disease is not life-threatening at this point.  But after showing up for the third time in my blood, he has referred me to a nephrologist (kidney specialist).  And you know, I really hope this nephrologist recommends that I stop taking my psychiatric medication–at least the Anafranil (that’s the hardest on my system).  The purpose of psychiatric medication is to help the patient function emotionally in society.  Yet if the patient cannot function physically in society (i.e. is physically disabled to the point of being unable to get regular, daily tasks accomplished), the emotional functionality is pointless.

My guess is that the psychiatric medication (particularly the Anafranil) is the cause of the kidney disease–which, in turn, is the cause of this debilitating pain and discomfort in my head and eyes.

Whatever the case, most mental illness is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain.  There has always been a chemical imbalance in my brain–yet now there seems to be a chemical imbalance in the rest of my body, as well.

So how did I get to this point?

Last night, I thought of my first sexual experience–with the Hispanic woman at the Holiday Inn in Georgia, when I was seventeen.  How much I wanted to return to that moment–with my knowledge of the present–and to her.  I wanted to return, and this time stay with her all night.  And I realized that this would be a good point in time to begin this narrative.  Because, as mentioned before in this blog, I had just finished my junior year in high school–I would begin my senior year that fall (in 1983).

I want so much to begin this narrative–but my eyes are stinging like hell, and I’ve never been able to keep on a single train of thought for very long.



by Aesop

A dog was lying in a manger on the hay which had been put there for the cattle, and when they came and tried to eat, he growled and snapped at them and wouldn’t let them get at their food.  “What a selfish beast,” said one of them to his companions; “he can’t eat himself and yet he won’t let those eat who can.”



I’d continuously seen this woman for weeks–always standing on a beach–particularly her face.  It was a pose much like that above, and to the right of the picture in my mind.  Yet it really frustrated me that I couldn’t remember who she was.  Then, a few nights ago, I suddenly remembered.  I had recorded the “Alfred Hitchcock Hour” episode, “I Saw the Whole Thing”, on my DVR–and just looking at the title, I remembered.

Her name was Claire Griswold.  There are very few pictures of her on the Internet–the one above is the only one that comes close to the image that kept haunting me for so long.  She’s not on a beach of course, but it’s basically the same pose.  You might think I’m regularly haunted by a particular woman I’ve seen on television, or in films.  But I’m not.  Only once in a while does a woman’s image haunt me day after day.  When this happens, I’d like to think it has some kind of significance for me–that it is a preview of something good.  Yet it could just as easily be a simple indication of an unfulfilled desire.