ABANDONED

My parents are still alive, yet in their old age they have become more indifferent toward me than ever before.  They’ve always been somewhat indifferent toward me–especially since I began developing a mind of my own in my twenties.  And my two sisters are also getting more indifferent toward me than ever before.  And all four of these–the only living members of my immediate family–are getting more and more irritable, impatient, and downright irrational–so that I can no longer talk with them about anything without their lashing out at me.

And I need my parents and my sisters–emotionally–more now than ever before. Their indifference toward me is painful beyond words.  They never call me on the phone, at all–just to see how I’m doing, just to see if I’m even alive.  If I were to die in this house today, they would never know it–not for a very long time.  And they don’t love me–they never really have.  Because love is unconditional–and neither of my parents, and neither of my sisters, have ever given me unconditional love.

If my parents and my sisters would die, it would be far less painful for me. I would grieve, I might even have to be hospitalized for a while.  But I could then recover, and get on with what’s left of my life.  Instead, they all die slowly, as I seem to be.  And this is far worse.

My parents and my sisters–they’ve hardly ever been there for me, emotionally. But now they’re never here for me, emotionally, at all.  They are not dead, but it’s as if they were, regarding me.

Why can’t we all die–just get it over with?  Instead of living on, when life is no longer worth the agony?  Why can’t this world just end, instead of slowly dying as it is?

This time is hell.  It’s just hell.  It’s worse than any end-of-the-world scenario presented in any sacred texts of any faith.

God help us–God help us all.

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