Posts Tagged 'dating'

Love is for those who don’t have to worry about money.

Love is for those who don’t have to worry about money.


[The links to these two videos were originally posted March 30, 2014]


“…You know, I’m automatically attracted to beautiful–I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet.  Just kiss.  I don’t even wait.  And when you’re a star, they let you do it.  You can do anything.”

“…Grab ’em by the pussy.  You can do anything…”

Donald Trump is not suitable to be President of the United States.  But this is not a reason why.  From the moment I heard the private conversation Donald Trump had with Billy Bush in 2005, I was appalled–not at Trump’s words, but at the deceitfulness of the American press, and at the hypocrisy of Republican politicians.

This private conversation was exposed for blatantly political reasons–allegedly by the same Republican politicians who chastised Trump so hypocritically.  We could be sure that Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, and even Mike Pence had made very similar comments during their lives.  The fact was that no man alive had failed to engage in such “locker room talk” during his life–and no woman either.

And of course the press completely lied about the comments–stating that Trump had bragged about sexually assaulting women–when it was clear that he simply hadn’t.  In this “locker room talk”, Trump was speaking of sexual relations with women–with their consent.  That’s not sexual assault.  Furthermore, he was simply speaking the truth–the same truth that Frank Sinatra, Elvis Presley, and Jimi Hendrix had known.

When you’re a star, women will let you do just about anything–even “grab ’em by the pussy.”  Not all women–not even most women–just a lot of women.

I envy President-elect Trump–in fact, I’m jealous of him.  Everyone in the world latches on to his every tweet as if it’s the last word on everything.

I wish I were a star–I wish I were famous.

Yes, if I were famous, women would indeed let me grab their lovely pussies.

Better still, they might let me have wild, wonderful, sexual intercourse with them.

Better still, they might turn their goddamned smartphones off, and actually let me read my poetry and prose to them.

Or enlighten them on some old, forgotten subject–like history.

Or even share with them my ideas on how we could stop changing our world for the worse, and start changing our world for the better–how we could all be human again, and save humanity itself.

If only I were famous.


Bettie PageCassandra Peterson 1Cassandra Peterson 2Cassandra Peterson 3Cassandra Peterson 4Cassandra Peterson 5Cassandra Peterson 6Cassandra Peterson 7Cassandra Peterson 8Cassandra Peterson 9Cassandra Peterson 10Cassandra Peterson 11Cassandra Peterson 12Cassandra Peterson 13Cassandra Peterson 14Cassandra Peterson 15Cassandra Peterson 16Cassandra Peterson 17Cassandra Peterson 18Cassandra Peterson 19Cassandra Peterson 20Cassandra Peterson 21Cassandra Peterson 22Cassandra Peterson 23Cassandra Peterson 24Cassandra Peterson 25Cassandra Peterson 26Cassandra Peterson 27Donna Reed 1Donna Reed 2Donna Reed 3Donna Reed 4Donna Reed 5Donna Reed 6Donna Reed 7Donna Reed 8Donna Reed 9Donna Reed 10Elizabeth Taylor 1Elizabeth Taylor 2identity unknownJean SimmonsPiper Laurie 1Piper Laurie 2Ronee BlakleyThora Birch 1Thora Birch 2Thora Birch 3


It’s a horrible way to die.

Yeah, well I didn’t ask to die this way.

What way?

Slowly, agonizingly–from a combination of psychiatric drugs whose effects my body can no longer tolerate (because there are no safer drugs available) and fast food saturated with a deadly amount of fat and salt (because I can no longer afford healthier food).

Ironic–you are in far more danger writing a sober post, your head tight, your calves tight, your eyeballs rolling around with some kind of dyskinesia and/or sodium poisoning than writing a drunken post, your body and mind totally relaxed under the influence of alcohol, your blood pressure lowered to a safe level.

Yeah, well I can’t afford a large, healthy dinner to absorb a large, healthy amount of alcohol.  And I can’t obtain medical marijuana to replace these far more dangerous psychiatric drugs, because it’s not legal yet.  And I can’t simply stop these deadly psychiatric drugs with nothing safer to replace them.  I can’t even replace these deadly psychiatric drugs with a moderate amount of alcohol daily, because there’s alcoholism in my family history, and there’s no Mediterranean component to my Old World ancestry.

Even if there were a woman in my life who could cook the healthiest, yet tastiest food for me, calm me with her body, nourish me rather than drain me, complement me rather than control me, accommodate me rather than dominate me, I could safely write such a sober post as this one.  But there isn’t–there never has been, and there probably never will be.

So let me die writing, since I am to die alone.

I was in the second or third grade.  It was about the time I’d started this trend of chasing the girls around the playground to kiss them.  Other boys had caught on–and we had to stay in, during recess one day.  This put a stop to that.

Then another boy came up with a different way to catch girls–impressing them with daring.  Other boys caught on, other boys including me.  There was a very high slide in the playground.  And this boy, instead of sliding down, decided to jump off the back of the slide.  The ground was dirt and grass–but there was a square of strong support bars midway down.  This boy jumped, and he was okay. Others followed, and they were okay.  Then I jumped.  Maybe it was because I was taller than the other boys, maybe not–but I didn’t fall straight down on my feet like the others.  I tumbled into the square of support bars.  Remembering, it seems like I was suspended in midair–or moving in slow-motion.  There was no pain.  But my arms hit the bars, my legs hit the bars, and my head hit the bars. Yet I got to my feet–and the very girls I’d tried to impress checked on me, making sure I was alright (the other boys had split).  And I was alright–no fracture, not even a bruise.

Not long after, neighborhood kids got the idea to play a game in Robby’s pool.  I think it was called chicken fighting.  The smaller, lighter boys would get on the shoulders of the larger, heavier boys in the shallow end of the pool–then try to push each other into the water.  Of course it was far more dangerous for the larger, heavier boys.  Smaller, lighter Jeff sat on my shoulders, and his opponent pushed him into the water.  And I was trapped, of course.  All I could do was hold my breath, as I waited for Jeff to get off my shoulders.  This was different than the incident with the slide–I was aware of this, I was aware that I was about to drown.

This is probably another reason the wreck of the Sunset Limited affected me more seriously than the 9/11 catastrophe–those who died in that wreck probably died in a much more horrible way.  Those who jumped from the Twin Towers were likely the only 9/11 victims who suffered as much terror as the victims of the Sunset Limited wreck.

Imagine this–you’re on a train going over a bayou bridge in the dark.  And your rail car crashes into the bayou.  If you’re lucky, the crash will knock you out–so you won’t know what hit you.  If you’re not, you will be desperately trying to find a way out of that car before it fills up with water–along with countless other screaming passengers.  It’s totally dark–there are no lights over that bayou.  So not only are you unable to find a way out of the car, you don’t even know which way is up.

But Jeff managed to get off my shoulders–just in time.

The last time was a suicide attempt.  It was the only suicide attempt–because I lived and learned how nearly impossible it was to kill oneself.  Prozac is bad stuff–the worst.  It didn’t make me want to commit suicide–it made me delusional so that I thought God wanted me to commit suicide.  There I was on the floor dying. I was at peace, with the sensation of floating in deep space, yet breathing, stars surrounding me.  And something literally possessed my body–made me get up, and dial 911.  At first I thought that something was the Devil.  Then I thought it was God.  But in time, I realized it was my primal brain–that bit of tissue that contains the one bit of emotion every animal has–the fear of death.

Nothing more, nothing less.

I despise money–perhaps more than anything else.

Money is not something I want to have–only something I have to have.

Money has absolutely no value–ever.

And money is completely useless–until it is spent for products and services that have value.

Even when money is saved, it is only saved to be spent at a later time.

Even when money is invested, it is only invested to acquire more money that is still completely useless until it is spent.

Even when money is given away, it is only given away to be spent by someone other than oneself.

Money has absolutely no value–ever.

And money is completely useless–until it is spent for products and services that have value.

Why wouldn’t I despise money?  Why wouldn’t anyone despise money?

If I have money, it has no value–and it is completely useless until it is spent for products and services that have value.

But if I don’t have money, I cannot acquire products and services that have value–products which include food, services which include disposal of food remains.

This is the worst time in American history to be poor.

In the past, the poor in the United States could get help from their families and communities.

But there is no more family in the United States.

And there is no more community.

I’m obsessed with obtaining money–those without money always are.

“Here come the rich man in his big, long limousine.  Here come the poor man, Lord, he got to have his green.”

A couple weeks ago, there was a homeless woman with a dog.

She held a sign that read, NEED MONEY FOR TAMPONS, DOG FOOD…

I had fifty dollars in my wallet–all I had.

If I gave her this fifty dollars, I thought, would someone in turn give me five hundred dollars?

“Pay it forward” would work like this:

I give her $50–all I have.

Someone gives me $500–all she has.

Someone gives her $5,000–all he has.

Someone gives him $50,000–all she has.

Someone gives her $500,000–all he has.

Someone gives him $5,000,000–all she has.

Someone gives her $50,000,000–all he has.

Someone gives him $500,000,000–all she has.

Someone gives her $5,000,000,000–all he has.

Someone gives him $50,000,000,000–all she has.

I give her $500,000,000,000–all I have.

Someone gives me $5,000,000,000,000–but it’s not all she has.

If only I knew, I thought.

But I didn’t know–so I didn’t give her my fifty dollars.

There’s a $429 bottle of Scotch that’s at least thirty years old–I’ve mentioned it in a previous post.

Ever since I first saw it, I’ve wanted to purchase it–just to see if drinking it would transport me to 1986 or before.

But even the few times I had enough money to purchase it, I didn’t–because I didn’t know it would transport me anywhere anytime.

That eighteen-year-old Scotch I drank at the Shark Fin during that dinner with the Singletons of which I wrote in a drunken post (particularly of the Zionist bastard who embarrassed me in front of my friends–not because I was talking too loudly, but because he disagreed with what I said) that Scotch didn’t transport me back eighteen years.

So why would that $429 bottle of Scotch transport me back thirty years or more?

Because I would drink the entire bottle–not just a glass.

Still, it’s just a fantasy–to my knowledge.  That’s why I don’t sell everything I can to get the money to purchase it.

With sales and sin tax, it would be far more than $429 anyway.

Delaying the inevitable–this is all I’m doing each day, these the worst days of my life.  Having no money has knocked me down–yet circumstances keep kicking me anyway.  Every day, I delay the inevitable–the loss of everything but my life, my freedom, and whatever I can carry on my shoulders.

Yet we all delay the inevitable–all our lives.

From the moment we’re born, we delay the inevitable–which is death.

Even as newborn babies, we choose to nourish ourselves from the breast or the bottle–delaying death.

And though the pursuit of happiness is not our primary purpose in life, most of our time spent toward a greater purpose is constantly interrupted by our desire to delay the inevitable.  Our most basic human needs serve only the purpose of delaying death.

I started this post when I had enough money for fast food.  Now I only have enough money for store-bought food–peanut butter, cheese, bread, cottage cheese, and sliced ham.

This stuff–this cheapest of food–is far more dangerous than any fast food because it has even more salt.  It’s loaded with salt.

Can’t eat the cottage cheese–too much salt.  Can’t eat the sliced ham–too much salt.

Every store-bought food has too much salt because it’s used as a preservative.

The ham was the saltiest of all–I had to put the remainder in the front yard for stray cats.

The more salt a food has, the more it tightens my head and my muscles, makes my eyeballs roll around, and creates sharp pains in my legs–especially in combination with these goddamned psychiatric drugs.

I’ve never suffered such agony in my life–and only because I have no money, and no family or community to give me any support.


Dorothy Dell Goff


Queen Elizabeth II (1)Queen Elizabeth II (2)Queen Elizabeth II (3)Aline TowneAlison BrieAmiraAmy AdamsAmy OlsonAnn SheridanAnne ArcherAnne GwynneBarbara StanwyckCarole Landis 1Carole Landis 2Carole Landis 3Carole Landis 4Carole Landis 5Carole Landis 6Carole Landis 7Carole Landis 8Carole Landis 9Carole Landis 10Carole Landis 11Carole Landis 12Carole Landis 13Carole Landis 14Carole Landis 15Carole Landis 16Carole Landis 17Carole Landis 18Carole Landis 19Carole Landis 20Carole Landis 21Carole Landis 22

Carole Landis 1940

Carole Landis 1940

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Carole Landis 1939?

Carole Landis 1939?

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THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JOHNNY CARSON -- Pictured: (l-r) Actress Elizabeth Perkins during an interview with guest host Jay Leno on October 9, 1990 -- (Photo by: Paul Drinkwater/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank)

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JOHNNY CARSON — Pictured: (l-r) Actress Elizabeth Perkins during an interview with guest host Jay Leno on October 9, 1990 — (Photo by: Paul Drinkwater/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank)

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BATTERY PARK -- NBC Series -- Pictured: Elizabeth Perkins as Captain Madeleine Dunleavy -- NBC Photo: Kevin Foley

BATTERY PARK — NBC Series — Pictured: Elizabeth Perkins as Captain Madeleine Dunleavy — NBC Photo: Kevin Foley

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Elizabeth Perkins as Celia Hodes (season 3) - Photo: Mark Seliger - Photo ID: weeds_gal3-epsingles-111

Elizabeth Perkins as Celia Hodes (season 3) – Photo: Mark Seliger – Photo ID: weeds_gal3-epsingles-111

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Helen HayesIda Lupinoidentity unknown 1identity unknown 2identity unknown 3identity unknown 4identity unknown 5Jacqueline SchererJane Adams 1Jane Adams 2Jane Adams 3Jane Adams 4Jane Adams 5Jane Adams 6Jane Adams 7Jane Adams 8Jane Adams 9Jane Adams 10Jane Adams 11Jane Adams 12Jane Adams 13Jane Adams 14Jane Adams 15Jane Adams 16Jane Adams 17Jane Adams 18Jane Adams 19Jane Adams 20Jane Adams 21Jane Randolph 1Jane Randolph 2Jane Randolph 3Jane Randolph 4Jane Randolph 5Jane Randolph 6Jane Randolph 7Jane Randolph 8Jane Randolph 9Jane Randolph 10Jane Randolph 11Jane Randolph 12Jane Randolph 13Jane Randolph 14Jane Randolph 15Jane Randolph 16Jane Randolph 17Jane Randolph 18Jane Randolph 19Jane Randolph 20Jane Randolph 21Jane Randolph 22Jane Randolph 23Jane Randolph 24Jane Randolph 25Jane Randolph 26Jane Randolph 27Jane Randolph 28Jane Randolph 29Jane Randolph 30Jane Randolph 31Jane Randolph 32Jane Randolph 33Jane Randolph 34Jane Randolph 35Jane Randolph 36Jane Randolph 37Jane Randolph 38Jane Randolph 39Jane Randolph 40Jane Randolph 41Jane WymanJane RussellJean SimmonsJoan BennettJulie BishopJustynaLana del ReyLenore Aubert 1Lenore Aubert 2Lenore Aubert 3Lenore Aubert 4Lenore Aubert 5Lenore Aubert 6Lenore Aubert 7Lenore Aubert 8Lenore Aubert 9Lenore Aubert 10Lenore Aubert 11Lenore Aubert 12Lenore Aubert 13Lenore Aubert 14Lenore Aubert 15Lenore Aubert 16

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Vintage portrait of actress Edith Atwater by Clarence Sinclair Bull, 1930's.

Vintage portrait of actress Edith Atwater by Clarence Sinclair Bull, 1930’s.

Loretta YoungMajel Barrett 1Majel Barrett 2

Majel Roddenberry Photo

Majel Roddenberry Photo

Maria Palmer 1Maria Palmer 2Maria Palmer 3Maria Palmer 4Maria Palmer 5Maria Palmer 6Maria Palmer 7Marie Windsor 1Marie Windsor 2Martha VickersMoira Shearer 1Moira Shearer 2Moira Shearer 3Moira Shearer 4Moira Shearer 5Moira Shearer 6Moira Shearer 7Moira Shearer 8Moira Shearer 9Moira Shearer 10

Moira Shearer, dancer and actress *** Local Caption *** Moira Shearer;

Moira Shearer, dancer and actress *** Local Caption *** Moira Shearer;

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by Yousuf Karsh, bromide print, 1954

by Yousuf Karsh, bromide print, 1954

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1948: Scottish ballerina Moira Shearer plays dancer Victoria Page in the classic film 'The Red Shoes', directed by Michael Powell and Emeric Pressburger for GFD/The Archers. (Photo by Baron/Getty Images)

1948: Scottish ballerina Moira Shearer plays dancer Victoria Page in the classic film ‘The Red Shoes’, directed by Michael Powell and Emeric Pressburger for GFD/The Archers. (Photo by Baron/Getty Images)

Norma ShearerPeggy Moran (R)Rosalind RussellRosella Towne 1Rosella Towne 2Rosella Towne 3Rosella Towne 4Rosella Towne 5Rosella Towne 6Rosella Towne 7Rosella Towne 8Rosella Towne 9Rosella Towne 10Rosella Towne 11

Mary McDonoughShirley TempleTaylor SwiftTina LouiseVeronica Lake 1Veronica Lake 2Yvonne De Carlo 1Yvonne De Carlo 2Yvonne De Carlo 3

Black and white photo of Yvonne Decarlo, the original Lily Munster, colorized

Black and white photo of Yvonne Decarlo, the original Lily Munster, colorized

Yvonne De Carlo 5


“They say the truth is in the wine, but only so much…The lithium is working well…I do know what the hell I’m doing…you are alcoholic.”

Interesting, Dr. Arthur DuMont–you Zionist Jew motherfucker.  My very first psychiatrist is–as one of the other patients here puts it–a sadist.  The lithium is not working well.  I am subdued under it–but inside, I’m screaming.  Because I have no bipolar disorder.  In fact, my primary disorder is obsessive-compulsive disorder.  You didn’t recognize this–that was your first mistake.  Interesting that you don’t say I am an alcoholic–but only that I am alcoholic.  That is rather vague–and it is your second mistake, anyway.  I only used alcohol to release my inhibitions enough to carry out my crash–my “nervous breakdown”.  I didn’t drink nearly enough whiskey to get truly drunk.  And you say you know what the hell you’re doing–how mistaken you are.  Finally, you say I cannot leave this facility without your approval–this is your final mistake.  Though my parents brought me here last month–November, 1985–I signed myself in.  So I can sign myself out any time.  In fact, the only reason I have stayed here this long is that my father has told me the insurance probably won’t cover my stay, if I leave A.M.A. (against medical advice).  Wrong again.  You want to keep me here–at Southland Hospital–for six months.  Yet my parents feel that six weeks is long enough–and they will spring me out of this place in time for Christmas.  I have the memory of what I’ve learned here in Rosemary’s assertiveness training class–and even the memory of my pastor Jeff Spiller’s wisdom (I told Jeff of my fear that I no longer believed Jesus was the Son of God–and he suggested I put that fear aside, and concentrate on recovery for the moment).  So now I will sign myself out–and leave this facility, of my own free will.

“How do you know I’m Jewish?  And how do you know what Zionism is?”

Or maybe I’ll just beat the hell out of you.

And I proceed to do so.

Yet he changes into Raymond Ellis–and I continue beating him against the asphalt.

Yeah, you little piece of shit.  So it’s 1979 now–and this is the bus stop to Hillsdale Middle School.  My dad gave me the words to give you–“Raymond, I have something to tell you–you called me ‘gay’ again!”  Yet the first time, I pulled my punches–and you even sicced your German shepherd on me–shame on you!  I didn’t even know how to throw a punch correctly, because I had not yet taken boxing training at the Mobile Police Athletic League.  Now I have.

And I continue beating this little piece of shit–who was taller than I, at the time–until he is completely unconscious.

“I’m a lover, not a fighter, and I’m really built for speed”–pre-war (before the Second World War) blues song I would hear, and record, on Blues Before Sunrise on NPR early in the Twenty-First Century.  The Prince song “1999” is that with which I begin this Irish-coffee set in 2016.

And I’m on the bus home from Camp Lee in 1982.  One of the guys is playing this new song on his radio (not quite a “boombox” or “ghetto-blaster” yet)–and everyone is listening, fascinated.

I sit alone.  They don’t know I come from a time when this new musician Prince–whom a famous rapper in the Twenty-First Century would accurately label “misunderstood”–has died.

Yeah, this trip to Camp Lee was a drag.  I was in love with Alison Allen–but she didn’t even notice me.  She was too hung up on some blond-haired guy who could ridiculously recite the lyrics to some ridiculous song called “Rock Lobster”.

And I’m back at Camp Lee in 1983.  Camp Lee–a church camp in an exquisitely beautiful location outside of Anniston, Alabama.  The camp director, Jim Black, is an unforgettable man.  He tells amazing ghost stories–and brilliantly impersonates Jerry Clower (“Hawwwwwwwww!”), as he leads us to and from the “slock ride” (rock slide)–a cool, natural-spring waterfall, with a splash-landing pool in which one cannot fail to safely, softly splash-land.  There is even a knotted rope by which one can climb the mossy rocks back to the top to slide down again (and fall backward laughingly, safely into the natural pool (whose water is so clean that he can safely drink it), if he happens to lose his grip).

(I used Digital-Age gender qualifiers (“or she”)–then found it too damned complicated.  And I absolutely refused to use “their” for a singular–better to use grammatically correct language than politically correct language.)

Cathy Marlow.  Interesting.  She’s my first love–after I’ve had my first lover (the Hispanic woman whose name I wish to God I could recall), earlier this summer.  (I was in love with a girl named Ginger, in the first grade, but I didn’t understand this feeling then–this time, I understand it.)  Cathy Marlow–also the only time I will ever experience love-at-first-sight.  Yes, I see her as I enter the cafeteria at Camp Lee.  Our eyes meet for an instant, as she talks to her friends–and I just know–and so does she.

She’s a brunette who could so easily be one of those classic Hollywood actresses whose likenesses I would post on my blog in the next century. Easy on the eyes, indeed.


The youth from Christ United Methodist Church and Smyrna Baptist Church meet together in the fellowship hall.  Pick a partner–Cathy and I pick each other.  And sing, “I love you in the love of the Lord, Oh I love you in the love of the Lord.  I can see in you the glory of my King, and I love you in the love of the Lord.”  Her eyes are far brighter than mine.

And we end up walking together in a nearby meadow–this Georgia peach and I.

And we meet again and again in the blinding sunlight over the next few days–and kiss and cuddle–and talk.

It’s now the day before we take the bus back to Mobile–and I’ve received underground word that some of the couples are going to be making out in that same meadow tonight.

I meet Cathy Marlow near the pool.  She’s especially hot in that black swimsuit. And I invite her to join me in the meadow tonight–in the most delicate way possible.

And here she lies–apparently.

“I’m not ready for that–my ex-boyfriend just got my best friend pregnant.”

I explain to her that I can’t stand it–that I can’t be with her at all if I can’t get more intimate with her.

“From the moment I met you,” she says, “I knew that you were special.”

And we kiss, and part.

And that night, I take the chair.

The chair–a very effective form of therapy.

One chair in the center of a circle of chairs.

Over the course of a few hours, individuals take their turns in that chair, in the dark–and get their feelings out.

No one is required to take a turn in the chair.

But this time I do.

I let it all out–how this girl honest-to-God broke my heart–and I cry my eyes out.

And an angel descends, and holds me.

Mrs. Dart.

Golden blonde with an equally golden heart.

My den mother when I was a Cub Scout–with whom I was infatuated then, and with whom I’m infatuated now.

This angel understands–and she lets my tears soak her blouse.

That night I can’t sleep.

I get a sudden feeling of terror–as if I’m going to die.

It’s my first panic attack (or anxiety attack)–brought on by a feeling of abandonment brought on by Cathy Marlow.

The other boys in the lodge wonder if I’m okay.  I assure them that I seem to be–as I play John Denver songs on my little stereo to calm myself.

The next morning, I get Cathy Marlow’s address from her, so I can write her.

And the next night, I have a good talk with my brother-in-law Tom–who assures me that eventually I will say, “Cathy who?”

And he’s right.

Yet a decade later I write Cathy Marlow–for the first time perhaps.

And the letter is forwarded to Rome, Georgia.

Cathy’s name is no longer “Marlow”–she’s married, and has two children.

She sends me a nice photograph of her and her husband.

I cut him out of the damned thing–and paste her likeness into my journal.

And I talk with her over the phone a few times.

One night, I am speaking with her from the phone in my parents’ garage.  It is storming where she is, and her husband is away.  Her husband has one of those jobs (building contractor, I think) for which he is away from home quite often. And the thunder is making Cathy nervous.  And she finds comfort confiding in me.

And I remind her of what she said to me that afternoon in the summer of 1983–that she couldn’t go to the meadow with me because her ex-boyfriend had gotten her best friend pregnant.

And Cathy says, “I never said that.”

So Cathy was lying then–or she is lying now.

I press her–but only as far as she will allow.  Then she says she can no longer talk with me over the phone–that she is starting to get tempted.

And I’ll never know when Cathy was lying–in 1983, or in 1993.

It is to this woman’s credit that she ceased communication with me, in order to remain faithful to her husband.  But it is not to her credit that she lied to me–whenever it was.

It is thundering here now–in this goddamned Digital Age.

And the remaining $120 in my wallet will be gone before Sunday.

And loneliness for a woman’s love is the least of my problems.

There is a thirty-year-old bottle of Scotch in a secured cabinet at a liquor store I know.  It is over $400.

And ever since I first saw that thirty-year-old bottle of Scotch Wednesday I’ve wondered:

Would drinking that entire bottle of Scotch literally transport me back to 1986–or earlier?

If I knew it would, I’d sell even my truck for that one-way ticket out of this goddamned Digital Age.

It’s easy to escape a place–but how does one escape a time?

“And, behold, one came and said unto him, Good Master, what good thing shall I do, that I may have eternal life?

“And he said unto him, Why callest thou me good?  there is none good but one, that is, God:  but if thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments.

“He said unto him, Which?  Jesus said, Thou shalt do no murder, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Honour thy father and thy mother:  and, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

“The young man saith unto him, All these things have I kept from my youth up: what lack I yet?

“Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven:  and come and follow me.

“But when the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful:  for he had great possessions.

“Then said Jesus unto his disciples, Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven.  And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.

“When his disciples heard it, they were exceedingly amazed, saying, Who then can be saved?

“But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.”

Then wake me from this Digital-Age nightmare.

Deliver me from this Digital-Age hell.


PIPER LAURIE 3PIPER LAURIE 2PIPER LAURIE 1Piper Laurie 1Piper Laurie 2Piper Laurie 3Piper Laurie 4Piper Laurie 5



Piper Laurie 7Piper Laurie 8Piper Laurie 9Piper Laurie 10Piper Laurie 11Piper Laurie 12Piper Laurie 13Piper Laurie 14Piper Laurie 15Piper Laurie 16Piper Laurie 17Piper Laurie 18Piper Laurie 19Piper Laurie 20Piper Laurie 21Piper Laurie 22Piper Laurie 23Piper Laurie 24Piper Laurie 25Piper Laurie 26Piper Laurie 27Piper Laurie 28Piper Laurie 29Piper Laurie 30Piper Laurie 31

Actress Piper Laurie ca. 1956

Actress Piper Laurie ca. 1956

Piper Laurie 33Piper Laurie 34Piper Laurie 35Piper Laurie 36

Piper Laurie from the Film ca. 1955

Piper Laurie from the Film ca. 1955

Piper Laurie 38Piper Laurie 39Piper Laurie 40Piper Laurie 41Piper Laurie 42Piper Laurie 43Piper Laurie 44Piper Laurie 45Piper Laurie 46Piper Laurie 47Piper Laurie 48Piper Laurie 49Piper Laurie 50Piper Laurie 51Piper Laurie 52Piper Laurie 53Piper Laurie 54Piper Laurie 55Piper Laurie 56Piper Laurie 57Piper Laurie 58Piper Laurie 59Piper Laurie 60Piper Laurie 61Piper Laurie 62Piper Laurie 63Piper Laurie 64Piper Laurie 65Piper Laurie 66Piper Laurie 67Piper Laurie 68Piper Laurie 69

CHILDREN OF A LESSER GOD, Piper Laurie, 1986, (c)Paramount

CHILDREN OF A LESSER GOD, Piper Laurie, 1986, (c)Paramount

DREAM A LITTLE DREAM, Piper Laurie, 1989. ©Vestron Pictures

DREAM A LITTLE DREAM, Piper Laurie, 1989. ©Vestron Pictures

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So much stuff about which to write–if my extremely correct grammar offendeth thee, don’t read it!

I thought of all kinds of starting points for this post–as I listened first to the Manchester Orchestra’s “Simple Math”–especially to the track, “Virgin”.  I had to Google all over the place to find where I’d heard that–it was featured in a PBS documentary entitled, “Little Hope Was Arson”.

Very disturbing, yet well-made documentary.

Best documentary I’ve ever seen?  “Crumb”–a 1994 documentary about the underground comic artist Robert Crumb–directed by Terry Zwigoff.

“Crumb” has everything–comedic and dramatic–watch it!

Another film I recommend:

“Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”

And a book I recommend:

Slaughterhouse Five, by Kurt Vonnegut.

In this film and in this book, the protagonist just shows up at random moments in his life.

“Yeah, Vinny–Scott Bakula, and all that.”

Next, I finally listened to the CD “In Cold Remembrance” by Ashes & Rain–after putting it off for God knows how long.

It is extremely dark, serious heavy metal–“death metal” as “Beavis and Butthead” would call it.

And one would would have to be drunk (or stoned) to appreciate it!

So I am on the floor of the nicest trailer in which I’ve ever been.  And I find myself in mid-sentence–almost begging this woman not to give me leave, so as not to get a D.U.I.

Wouldn’t get a D.U.I.  Yet I might salvage something here.

“So sorry I drank all of your Kahlua.”

Truly wish I could remember this woman’s name.

“You’re 48?  I’m actually older than you, at this point.”

A blonde.

What a fool I was–I couldn’t take my eyes off the photograph of her younger self (resembling Tammy Wynette), as I became one with this lovely–who actually put talcum powder on her trim beforehand.  What a unique woman.  Relish whom you have.

I’d make the same mistake with Ruth–focusing on the photograph of her younger self, as she bathed afterward.

Relish what you have–and whom you have–in the moment.

“…it’s always the same old story–you never know what you’ve got till it’s gone”

Mike and the Mechanics

“Relinquish your attachment to the outcome–everything is as it is meant to be, in this moment.”

Deepak Chopra

“Yes, I am so sorry I drank all of your Kahlua.  Yet you’d be amazed at where when I have been–a hell called the “Digital Age”.

“You’re not familiar with the “Digital Age”?  You’ve never heard of the Internet?  This is perfect–this is where when I need to be.”

Yet then I surface to another.  I know this one’s name–Sylvia.  She’s 52–or so she claims (age doesn’t matter unless you are a cheese).  I’ve become one with Sylvia too–in my (and my brother’s) old bedroom.  It is 1989.  Is this after, or before the woman before?  No matter.

I reside in a trailer at this point.  But this is not a nice trailer–it is a “trailer-trash” trailer in Eight-Mile–in the midst of a badly neglected trailer park.

Yet here I am with Sylvia in the home of my youth.  My parents are away–caring for my dying brother in Connecticut.  He has been the black sheep of my family because of his psychosexual disorder.  Yet he is still Christian, in belief–so he will die forgiven, at age 33.

Then I’ll be the black sheep–because of my unconventional spiritual beliefs, and my unpopular political views.

But I don’t know this yet.  And when I turn 33, I’ll expect to die, at the same age as my brother did–yet will be shocked to live on into the goddamned Digital Age, and to witness the slow, painful death of my country, and of my world–at the hands of Facebook and Twitter, and those diabolical mobile devices–those Digital-Age pacifiers (cellphones, iphones, and smartphones) that dehumanize all to which they are addicted (“It was the machines, Sarah.  Defense network computers Digital-Age pacifiers–new, powerful.  We created them in our image–and they reshaped us into theirs.”)

All I know at this moment is that I asked–in an outburst of exasperation–“Won’t one of you women go out with me?”

And Sylvia emerged–alone amidst the throng of dancing damsels–and dared say she would.

Next week I would shudder from her.  She’d have a cold, and be without makeup–thus revealing her true age.

She’d end up marrying a man of her age soon after.  And I’d smile to think I had awakened her sexuality–thus preparing her for this match.

Yet this time, I’d know better than to leave her in the first place.  For just as we are all naked beneath our clothes–all women are only human beneath their makeup.

Here I am only two years younger than she, in soul–at that moment in which I realize the nipples that adorn her disappointingly small breasts are far from disappointing.  Indeed, they are as large as cherries strawberries.

And I’m gone again.

“Why does sex with you always end up with religion?” I remember a girl saying to a guy in an episode of a television series–or maybe a film.

And it does–I don’t know why.

Foreigners make the best Americans.

They know not to take this prosperity for granted.

They know not to take this liberty for granted.

Let therefore the followers of Donald Trump move to Mexico–and the same number of Mexicans move here.

And let therefore the followers of Hillary Clinton move to Syria–and the same number of Syrians move here.

“And Jesus went out, and departed from the temple:  and his disciples came to him for to shew him the buildings of the temple.

“And Jesus said unto them, See ye not all these things?  verily I say unto you, There shall not be left here one stone upon another, that shall not be thrown down.

“And as he sat upon the mount of Olives, the disciples came unto him privately, saying, Tell us, when shall these things be?  and what shall be the sign of thy coming, and of the end of the world?

“And Jesus answered and said unto them, Take heed that no man deceive you.

“For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many.

“And ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars:  see that ye be not troubled:  for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet come.

“For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom:  and there shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places.

“All these are the beginning of sorrows.

“Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you:  and ye shall be hated of all nations for my name’s sake.

“And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another.

“And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many.

“And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.

“But he that shall endure to the end, the same shall be saved.

“And this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come.

“When ye therefore shall see the abomination of desolation spoken of by Daniel the prophet, stand in the holy place, (whoso readeth, let him understand:)

“Then let them which be in Judaea flee into the mountains:

“Let him which is on the housetop not come down to take any thing out of his house:

“Neither let him which is in the field return back to take his clothes.

“And woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days!

“But pray ye that your flight be not in the winter, neither on the sabbath day:

“For then shall be great tribulation, such as was not since the beginning of the world to this time, no, nor ever shall be.

“And except those days should be shortened, there should no flesh be saved:  but for the elect’s sake those days shall be shortened.

“Then if any man shall say unto you, Lo, here is Christ, or there; believe it not.

“For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect.

“Behold I have told you before.

“Wherefore if they shall say unto you, Behold, he is in the desert; go not forth:  behold, he is in the secret chambers; believe it not.

“For as the lightning cometh out of the east, and shineth even unto the west; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be.

“For wheresoever the carcase is, there will the eagles be gathered together.

“Immediately after the tribulation of those days, shall the sun be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven, and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken:

“And then shall appear the sign of the Son of man in heaven:  and then shall all the tribes of the earth mourn, and they shall see the Son of man coming in the clouds of heaven with power and great glory.

“And he shall send his angels with a great sound of a trumpet, and they shall gather together his elect from the four winds, from one end of heaven to the other.

“Now learn a parable of the fig tree; When his branch is yet tender, and putteth forth leaves, ye know that summer is nigh:

“So likewise ye, when ye shall see all these things, know that it is near, even at the doors.

“Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled.

“Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away.

“But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only.

“But as the days of Noe were, so shall also the coming of the Son of man be.

“For as in the days that were before the flood they were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark,

“And knew not until the flood came, and took them away; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be.

“Then shall two be in the field; the one shall be taken, and the other left.

“Two women shall be grinding at the mill; the one shall be taken, and the other left.

“Watch therefore:  for ye know not what hour your Lord doth come.

“But know this, that if the goodman of the house had known in what watch the thief would come, he would have watched, and would not have suffered his house to be broken up.

“Therefore be ye also ready:  for in such an hour as ye think not the Son of man cometh.”

This same prophecy of Matthew 24:1-44 is also given in Mark 13–significant especially because Mark was written before Matthew.  Mark–the earliest written of the four canonized Gospels (there were so many more that were not canonized)–was written approximately forty years after Jesus’ death.

Eagles.  The sun and moon.

“When the mythological layer collapses, and the political kings fall, then the patriarchy, as a positive force, is over.  The sun and moon energies can no longer get down to earth.  Ancient Celtic mythology has an image for the end of the patriarchy, and it is this:

“Eagles sit on the top branches of the sacred tree, with dead animals underneath their claws.  Rotting bits of flesh fall down through the branches to the ground beneath, where the swine eat them.

“We are the swine.  When all the meat that comes down from above is rotten, then neither the sons nor daughters receive the true meat.  Women have been and still are right in their complaints about the food they find on earth, but men are not well fed either.  Naturally everyone is dissatisfied, for neither men nor women are receiving the true meat.”

Wrote Robert Bly, almost two millennia later.

Thus the apocalyptic imagery dances from our beginning to our end.

“Jesus of Montreal” and Andrei Tarkovsky’s “The Sacrifice”.

“Omen III: The Final Conflict” and “The Medusa Touch”.

They look for an Antichrist in the Holy Land–while the Antichrist sits patiently in their collective palm Sunday.  It is a cellular drug of which they cannot get enough.  And it tears them from their worship, their driving, their fellowship, their eating, their drinking, their loving, their thinking, their living.  That Digital-Age pacifier is the epitome of the mammon of which Jesus speaks.

And I emerge here–at last with the first.


Oh to assassinate the Digital-Age Antichrist conceived by Jobs, Gates, Zuckerberg, and the like–retroactive revenge on the nerds.  To shut down the system before it goes up.

Yet for now, “te quiero.”  And this time, I’ll stay the whole night.