Posts Tagged 'movies'
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Tags: arts, beautiful women, beauty, celebrities, dating, Dorothy Dell Goff, entertainment, film, health, history, Hollywood, home, illustration, literature, mental health, movies, music, nature, outdoors, people, photography, travel, video, women, writing
Tags: arts, beautiful women, beauty, books, cars, celebrities, current events, dating, drama, entertainment, film, health, history, Hollywood, home, illustration, literature, mental health, movies, music, nature, outdoors, people, plants, relationships, religion, science, society, spirituality, transportation, travel, vacation, video, women, writing
“They say the truth is in the wine, but only so much…The lithium is working well…I do know what the hell I’m doing…you are alcoholic.”
Interesting, Dr. Arthur DuMont–you Zionist Jew motherfucker. My very first psychiatrist is–as one of the other patients here puts it–a sadist. The lithium is not working well. I am subdued under it–but inside, I’m screaming. Because I have no bipolar disorder. In fact, my primary disorder is obsessive-compulsive disorder. You didn’t recognize this–that was your first mistake. Interesting that you don’t say I am an alcoholic–but only that I am alcoholic. That is rather vague–and it is your second mistake, anyway. I only used alcohol to release my inhibitions enough to carry out my crash–my “nervous breakdown”. I didn’t drink nearly enough whiskey to get truly drunk. And you say you know what the hell you’re doing–how mistaken you are. Finally, you say I cannot leave this facility without your approval–this is your final mistake. Though my parents brought me here last month–November, 1985–I signed myself in. So I can sign myself out any time. In fact, the only reason I have stayed here this long is that my father has told me the insurance probably won’t cover my stay, if I leave A.M.A. (against medical advice). Wrong again. You want to keep me here–at Southland Hospital–for six months. Yet my parents feel that six weeks is long enough–and they will spring me out of this place in time for Christmas. I have the memory of what I’ve learned here in Rosemary’s assertiveness training class–and even the memory of my pastor Jeff Spiller’s wisdom (I told Jeff of my fear that I no longer believed Jesus was the Son of God–and he suggested I put that fear aside, and concentrate on recovery for the moment). So now I will sign myself out–and leave this facility, of my own free will.
“How do you know I’m Jewish? And how do you know what Zionism is?”
Or maybe I’ll just beat the hell out of you.
And I proceed to do so.
Yet he changes into Raymond Ellis–and I continue beating him against the asphalt.
Yeah, you little piece of shit. So it’s 1979 now–and this is the bus stop to Hillsdale Middle School. My dad gave me the words to give you–“Raymond, I have something to tell you–you called me ‘gay’ again!” Yet the first time, I pulled my punches–and you even sicced your German shepherd on me–shame on you! I didn’t even know how to throw a punch correctly, because I had not yet taken boxing training at the Mobile Police Athletic League. Now I have.
And I continue beating this little piece of shit–who was taller than I, at the time–until he is completely unconscious.
“I’m a lover, not a fighter, and I’m really built for speed”–pre-war (before the Second World War) blues song I would hear, and record, on Blues Before Sunrise on NPR early in the Twenty-First Century. The Prince song “1999” is that with which I begin this Irish-coffee set in 2016.
And I’m on the bus home from Camp Lee in 1982. One of the guys is playing this new song on his radio (not quite a “boombox” or “ghetto-blaster” yet)–and everyone is listening, fascinated.
I sit alone. They don’t know I come from a time when this new musician Prince–whom a famous rapper in the Twenty-First Century would accurately label “misunderstood”–has died.
Yeah, this trip to Camp Lee was a drag. I was in love with Alison Allen–but she didn’t even notice me. She was too hung up on some blond-haired guy who could ridiculously recite the lyrics to some ridiculous song called “Rock Lobster”.
And I’m back at Camp Lee in 1983. Camp Lee–a church camp in an exquisitely beautiful location outside of Anniston, Alabama. The camp director, Jim Black, is an unforgettable man. He tells amazing ghost stories–and brilliantly impersonates Jerry Clower (“Hawwwwwwwww!”), as he leads us to and from the “slock ride” (rock slide)–a cool, natural-spring waterfall, with a splash-landing pool in which one cannot fail to safely, softly splash-land. There is even a knotted rope by which one can climb the mossy rocks back to the top to slide down again (and fall backward laughingly, safely into the natural pool (whose water is so clean that he can safely drink it), if he happens to lose his grip).
(I used Digital-Age gender qualifiers (“or she”)–then found it too damned complicated. And I absolutely refused to use “their” for a singular–better to use grammatically correct language than politically correct language.)
Cathy Marlow. Interesting. She’s my first love–after I’ve had my first lover (the Hispanic woman whose name I wish to God I could recall), earlier this summer. (I was in love with a girl named Ginger, in the first grade, but I didn’t understand this feeling then–this time, I understand it.) Cathy Marlow–also the only time I will ever experience love-at-first-sight. Yes, I see her as I enter the cafeteria at Camp Lee. Our eyes meet for an instant, as she talks to her friends–and I just know–and so does she.
She’s a brunette who could so easily be one of those classic Hollywood actresses whose likenesses I would post on my blog in the next century. Easy on the eyes, indeed.
The youth from Christ United Methodist Church and Smyrna Baptist Church meet together in the fellowship hall. Pick a partner–Cathy and I pick each other. And sing, “I love you in the love of the Lord, Oh I love you in the love of the Lord. I can see in you the glory of my King, and I love you in the love of the Lord.” Her eyes are far brighter than mine.
And we end up walking together in a nearby meadow–this Georgia peach and I.
And we meet again and again in the blinding sunlight over the next few days–and kiss and cuddle–and talk.
It’s now the day before we take the bus back to Mobile–and I’ve received underground word that some of the couples are going to be making out in that same meadow tonight.
I meet Cathy Marlow near the pool. She’s especially hot in that black swimsuit. And I invite her to join me in the meadow tonight–in the most delicate way possible.
And here she lies–apparently.
“I’m not ready for that–my ex-boyfriend just got my best friend pregnant.”
I explain to her that I can’t stand it–that I can’t be with her at all if I can’t get more intimate with her.
“From the moment I met you,” she says, “I knew that you were special.”
And we kiss, and part.
And that night, I take the chair.
The chair–a very effective form of therapy.
One chair in the center of a circle of chairs.
Over the course of a few hours, individuals take their turns in that chair, in the dark–and get their feelings out.
No one is required to take a turn in the chair.
But this time I do.
I let it all out–how this girl honest-to-God broke my heart–and I cry my eyes out.
And an angel descends, and holds me.
Golden blonde with an equally golden heart.
My den mother when I was a Cub Scout–with whom I was infatuated then, and with whom I’m infatuated now.
This angel understands–and she lets my tears soak her blouse.
That night I can’t sleep.
I get a sudden feeling of terror–as if I’m going to die.
It’s my first panic attack (or anxiety attack)–brought on by a feeling of abandonment brought on by Cathy Marlow.
The other boys in the lodge wonder if I’m okay. I assure them that I seem to be–as I play John Denver songs on my little stereo to calm myself.
The next morning, I get Cathy Marlow’s address from her, so I can write her.
And the next night, I have a good talk with my brother-in-law Tom–who assures me that eventually I will say, “Cathy who?”
And he’s right.
Yet a decade later I write Cathy Marlow–for the first time perhaps.
And the letter is forwarded to Rome, Georgia.
Cathy’s name is no longer “Marlow”–she’s married, and has two children.
She sends me a nice photograph of her and her husband.
I cut him out of the damned thing–and paste her likeness into my journal.
And I talk with her over the phone a few times.
One night, I am speaking with her from the phone in my parents’ garage. It is storming where she is, and her husband is away. Her husband has one of those jobs (building contractor, I think) for which he is away from home quite often. And the thunder is making Cathy nervous. And she finds comfort confiding in me.
And I remind her of what she said to me that afternoon in the summer of 1983–that she couldn’t go to the meadow with me because her ex-boyfriend had gotten her best friend pregnant.
And Cathy says, “I never said that.”
So Cathy was lying then–or she is lying now.
I press her–but only as far as she will allow. Then she says she can no longer talk with me over the phone–that she is starting to get tempted.
And I’ll never know when Cathy was lying–in 1983, or in 1993.
It is to this woman’s credit that she ceased communication with me, in order to remain faithful to her husband. But it is not to her credit that she lied to me–whenever it was.
It is thundering here now–in this goddamned Digital Age.
And the remaining $120 in my wallet will be gone before Sunday.
And loneliness for a woman’s love is the least of my problems.
There is a thirty-year-old bottle of Scotch in a secured cabinet at a liquor store I know. It is over $400.
And ever since I first saw that thirty-year-old bottle of Scotch Wednesday I’ve wondered:
Would drinking that entire bottle of Scotch literally transport me back to 1986–or earlier?
If I knew it would, I’d sell even my truck for that one-way ticket out of this goddamned Digital Age.
It’s easy to escape a place–but how does one escape a time?
“And, behold, one came and said unto him, Good Master, what good thing shall I do, that I may have eternal life?
“And he said unto him, Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God: but if thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments.
“He said unto him, Which? Jesus said, Thou shalt do no murder, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Honour thy father and thy mother: and, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
“The young man saith unto him, All these things have I kept from my youth up: what lack I yet?
“Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me.
“But when the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful: for he had great possessions.
“Then said Jesus unto his disciples, Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven. And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.
“When his disciples heard it, they were exceedingly amazed, saying, Who then can be saved?
“But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.”
Then wake me from this Digital-Age nightmare.
Deliver me from this Digital-Age hell.
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So much stuff about which to write–if my extremely correct grammar offendeth thee, don’t read it!
I thought of all kinds of starting points for this post–as I listened first to the Manchester Orchestra’s “Simple Math”–especially to the track, “Virgin”. I had to Google all over the place to find where I’d heard that–it was featured in a PBS documentary entitled, “Little Hope Was Arson”.
Very disturbing, yet well-made documentary.
Best documentary I’ve ever seen? “Crumb”–a 1994 documentary about the underground comic artist Robert Crumb–directed by Terry Zwigoff.
“Crumb” has everything–comedic and dramatic–watch it!
Another film I recommend:
“Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”
And a book I recommend:
Slaughterhouse Five, by Kurt Vonnegut.
In this film and in this book, the protagonist just shows up at random moments in his life.
“Yeah, Vinny–Scott Bakula, and all that.”
Next, I finally listened to the CD “In Cold Remembrance” by Ashes & Rain–after putting it off for God knows how long.
It is extremely dark, serious heavy metal–“death metal” as “Beavis and Butthead” would call it.
And one would would have to be drunk (or stoned) to appreciate it!
So I am on the floor of the nicest trailer in which I’ve ever been. And I find myself in mid-sentence–almost begging this woman not to give me leave, so as not to get a D.U.I.
Wouldn’t get a D.U.I. Yet I might salvage something here.
“So sorry I drank all of your Kahlua.”
Truly wish I could remember this woman’s name.
“You’re 48? I’m actually older than you, at this point.”
What a fool I was–I couldn’t take my eyes off the photograph of her younger self (resembling Tammy Wynette), as I became one with this lovely–who actually put talcum powder on her trim beforehand. What a unique woman. Relish whom you have.
I’d make the same mistake with Ruth–focusing on the photograph of her younger self, as she bathed afterward.
Relish what you have–and whom you have–in the moment.
“…it’s always the same old story–you never know what you’ve got till it’s gone”
Mike and the Mechanics
“Relinquish your attachment to the outcome–everything is as it is
meant to be, in this moment.”
“Yes, I am so sorry I drank all of your Kahlua. Yet you’d be amazed at
where when I have been–a hell called the “Digital Age”.
“You’re not familiar with the “Digital Age”? You’ve never heard of the Internet? This is perfect–this is
where when I need to be.”
Yet then I surface to another. I know this one’s name–Sylvia. She’s 52–or so she claims (age doesn’t matter unless you are a cheese). I’ve become one with Sylvia too–in my (and my brother’s) old bedroom. It is 1989. Is this after, or before the woman before? No matter.
I reside in a trailer at this point. But this is not a nice trailer–it is a “trailer-trash” trailer in Eight-Mile–in the midst of a badly neglected trailer park.
Yet here I am with Sylvia in the home of my youth. My parents are away–caring for my dying brother in Connecticut. He has been the black sheep of my family because of his psychosexual disorder. Yet he is still Christian, in belief–so he will die forgiven, at age 33.
Then I’ll be the black sheep–because of my unconventional spiritual beliefs, and my unpopular political views.
But I don’t know this yet. And when I turn 33, I’ll expect to die, at the same age as my brother did–yet will be shocked to live on into the goddamned Digital Age, and to witness the slow, painful death of my country, and of my world–at the hands of Facebook and Twitter, and those diabolical mobile devices–those Digital-Age pacifiers (cellphones, iphones, and smartphones) that dehumanize all to which they are addicted (“It was the machines, Sarah.
Defense network computers Digital-Age pacifiers–new, powerful. We created them in our image–and they reshaped us into theirs.”)
All I know at this moment is that I asked–in an outburst of exasperation–“Won’t one of you women go out with me?”
And Sylvia emerged–alone amidst the throng of dancing damsels–and dared say she would.
Next week I would shudder from her. She’d have a cold, and be without makeup–thus revealing her true age.
She’d end up marrying a man of her age soon after. And I’d smile to think I had awakened her sexuality–thus preparing her for this match.
Yet this time, I’d know better than to leave her in the first place. For just as we are all naked beneath our clothes–all women are only human beneath their makeup.
Here I am only two years younger than she, in soul–at that moment in which I realize the nipples that adorn her disappointingly small breasts are far from disappointing. Indeed, they are as large as
And I’m gone again.
“Why does sex with you always end up with religion?” I remember a girl saying to a guy in an episode of a television series–or maybe a film.
And it does–I don’t know why.
Foreigners make the best Americans.
They know not to take this prosperity for granted.
They know not to take this liberty for granted.
Let therefore the followers of Donald Trump move to Mexico–and the same number of Mexicans move here.
And let therefore the followers of Hillary Clinton move to Syria–and the same number of Syrians move here.
“And Jesus went out, and departed from the temple: and his disciples came to him for to shew him the buildings of the temple.
“And Jesus said unto them, See ye not all these things? verily I say unto you, There shall not be left here one stone upon another, that shall not be thrown down.
“And as he sat upon the mount of Olives, the disciples came unto him privately, saying, Tell us, when shall these things be? and what shall be the sign of thy coming, and of the end of the world?
“And Jesus answered and said unto them, Take heed that no man deceive you.
“For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many.
“And ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars: see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet come.
“For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places.
“All these are the beginning of sorrows.
“Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you: and ye shall be hated of all nations for my name’s sake.
“And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another.
“And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many.
“And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.
“But he that shall endure to the end, the same shall be saved.
“And this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come.
“When ye therefore shall see the abomination of desolation spoken of by Daniel the prophet, stand in the holy place, (whoso readeth, let him understand:)
“Then let them which be in Judaea flee into the mountains:
“Let him which is on the housetop not come down to take any thing out of his house:
“Neither let him which is in the field return back to take his clothes.
“And woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days!
“But pray ye that your flight be not in the winter, neither on the sabbath day:
“For then shall be great tribulation, such as was not since the beginning of the world to this time, no, nor ever shall be.
“And except those days should be shortened, there should no flesh be saved: but for the elect’s sake those days shall be shortened.
“Then if any man shall say unto you, Lo, here is Christ, or there; believe it not.
“For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect.
“Behold I have told you before.
“Wherefore if they shall say unto you, Behold, he is in the desert; go not forth: behold, he is in the secret chambers; believe it not.
“For as the lightning cometh out of the east, and shineth even unto the west; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be.
“For wheresoever the carcase is, there will the eagles be gathered together.
“Immediately after the tribulation of those days, shall the sun be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven, and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken:
“And then shall appear the sign of the Son of man in heaven: and then shall all the tribes of the earth mourn, and they shall see the Son of man coming in the clouds of heaven with power and great glory.
“And he shall send his angels with a great sound of a trumpet, and they shall gather together his elect from the four winds, from one end of heaven to the other.
“Now learn a parable of the fig tree; When his branch is yet tender, and putteth forth leaves, ye know that summer is nigh:
“So likewise ye, when ye shall see all these things, know that it is near, even at the doors.
“Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled.
“Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away.
“But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only.
“But as the days of Noe were, so shall also the coming of the Son of man be.
“For as in the days that were before the flood they were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark,
“And knew not until the flood came, and took them away; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be.
“Then shall two be in the field; the one shall be taken, and the other left.
“Two women shall be grinding at the mill; the one shall be taken, and the other left.
“Watch therefore: for ye know not what hour your Lord doth come.
“But know this, that if the goodman of the house had known in what watch the thief would come, he would have watched, and would not have suffered his house to be broken up.
“Therefore be ye also ready: for in such an hour as ye think not the Son of man cometh.”
This same prophecy of Matthew 24:1-44 is also given in Mark 13–significant especially because Mark was written before Matthew. Mark–the earliest written of the four canonized Gospels (there were so many more that were not canonized)–was written approximately forty years after Jesus’ death.
Eagles. The sun and moon.
“When the mythological layer collapses, and the political kings fall, then the patriarchy, as a positive force, is over. The sun and moon energies can no longer get down to earth. Ancient Celtic mythology has an image for the end of the patriarchy, and it is this:
“Eagles sit on the top branches of the sacred tree, with dead animals underneath their claws. Rotting bits of flesh fall down through the branches to the ground beneath, where the swine eat them.
“We are the swine. When all the meat that comes down from above is rotten, then neither the sons nor daughters receive the true meat. Women have been and still are right in their complaints about the food they find on earth, but men are not well fed either. Naturally everyone is dissatisfied, for neither men nor women are receiving the true meat.”
Wrote Robert Bly, almost two millennia later.
Thus the apocalyptic imagery dances from our beginning to our end.
“Jesus of Montreal” and Andrei Tarkovsky’s “The Sacrifice”.
“Omen III: The Final Conflict” and “The Medusa Touch”.
They look for an Antichrist in the Holy Land–while the Antichrist sits patiently in their collective palm Sunday. It is a cellular drug of which they cannot get enough. And it tears them from their worship, their driving, their fellowship, their eating, their drinking, their loving, their thinking, their living. That Digital-Age pacifier is the epitome of the mammon of which Jesus speaks.
And I emerge here–at last with the first.
Oh to assassinate the Digital-Age Antichrist conceived by Jobs, Gates, Zuckerberg, and the like–retroactive revenge on the nerds. To shut down the system before it goes up.
Yet for now, “te quiero.” And this time, I’ll stay the whole night.