Posts Tagged 'Paul Harvey’s For What It’s Worth'



MORE FROM PAUL HARVEY #19

And here are two more timeless items from Paul Harvey’s For What It’s Worth:

Our For What It’s Worth Department wonders if you heard about the customer who presented a credit card at David Burr–the Irving, Texas, clothing store.

Young woman presented this credit card to the cashier.

The cashier asked, “What is your name?”

Customer said, “Diane Klos.”

Cashier asked, “And what is your address?”

Customer gave her address.  It was the address on the credit card.

But the cashier announced, “You came to the wrong place.  I am Diane Klos; that is my address and that is MY credit card.”

And THEN she summoned police.

February 4, 1987

 

Our For What It’s Worth Department says NOW it can be told:

Before the Carters left the White House . . .

Daughter Amy needed help with some homework.

It was a Friday and the homework assignment was due on Monday.

A question about the industrial revolution.

Neither she nor her mother quite understood the question, so mother Rosalyn asked a White House aide to ask the Labor Department.

Sunday afternoon a truck pulled up at the White House loaded with a computer printout.

Somebody assumed it was information the President urgently needed.

So the Labor Department had kept a full computer team working all weekend to prepare the information.

When mother Rosalyn was told that the research had cost hundreds of thousands of taxpayer dollars she was horrified.

But it was too late to do anything about it.

So the information was used to help Amy complete her homework.

On that homework assignment–Amy got a “C”.

February 9, 1981

MORE FROM PAUL HARVEY #18

And here are three more  timeless items from Paul Harvey’s For What It’s Worth:

Our For What It’s Worth Department hears from Jackson, Mississippi–where Lucille Goodyear reports all kinds of trouble driving to and from work.

She says it used to be easy . . .

No traffic problems . . .

No mad rat race . . .

But now, Wow!  Cars coming from all directions.

She says it’s been that way ever since she got her new glasses.

April 23, 1979

 

For What It’s Worth . . .

Entertainer Tom Jones had a photographer follow him into a public toilet on a British freeway.

The girl with the camera ran into the washroom and climbed over the door into his toilet cubicle . . .

He pushed her out the door.

Last words he heard her say were, “I’ll never buy one of your records again!”

She did not say why.

May 24, 1982

 

Our For What It’s Worth Department has an item of interest for Duncanville, Texas, suburban Dallas.

Your preschool PTA is holding a charity auction tomorrow.

Your preschool PTA is raising money.

You parents of preschoolers will be bidding on a prize donated by a local urologist . . .

A $500 vasectomy.

March 29, 1985

MORE FROM PAUL HARVEY #17

And here’s another timeless item from Paul Harvey’s For What It’s Worth:

Alex Thein of the Milwaukee Sentinel tells our For What It’s Worth Department . . .

Fred was a great practical joker.

When his three closest friends got married he played wedding night tricks on each.

Now Fred was getting married and he was quietly terrified of what THEY might do to HIM.

But nobody interrupted the minister.

Nobody sent naughty telegrams.

Nobody hid their suitcases or stole their champagne.

Not even a cake fight at the wedding reception.

When the honeymoon began Fred’s car started readily.  No flat tires.  Nothing strange in the trunk.  Not even any tin cans tied to the rear bumper.

Fred and his bride, relieved at their friends’ restraint, left for their hotel.

THE NEXT MORNING . . .

Fred picked up the bedroom phone and dialed for room service and ordered breakfast for two.

From the CLOSET . . . came a voice:

“Hey, Fred, make that breakfast for FIVE.  Okay?”

September 25, 1987

MORE FROM PAUL HARVEY #16

And here are three more timeless items from Paul Harvey’s For What It’s Worth:

Our For What It’s Worth Department sees that Harry Covert is contemplating running for state senate in Virginia. 

Harry Covert, among other things, has been a Little League umpire.

He thought this would be an advantage.

But campaigning, he knocked on a door in Lynchburg . . .

To the woman who came to the door he said, “I’m Harry Covert.”

She said, “I know who you are.  You called my son out at home plate!”

And she slammed the door.

March 25, 1983 

 

Our For What It’s Worth Department intercepts a transmission near Orlando, Florida.

State trooper radios a truck jockey on his CB.

State trooper asks, “What is your speed?”

Truck driver replies, “Fifty-five, officer, just fifty-five.”

State trooper radios back, “Then you’d better pull over and get out of the way–because I just clocked your trailer doing seventy!”

December 21, 1984

 

Our For What It’s Worth Department concedes . . .

One to a customer.

In the church bulletin of St. Bernard’s Church in Akron, Ohio, it says:

The church needs men to help serve during funerals during the week . . .

And nobody will have to serve EVERY week; the duty will be rotated.

And it says, We do not have a large number of funerals at St. Bernard’s; never more than one per person.

End quote.

All right.

December 13, 1977

MORE FROM PAUL HARVEY #15

And here’s another timeless item from Paul Harvey’s For What It’s Worth:

Our For What It’s Worth Department hears from Mary Meador of Kilgore, Texas.

Says she knows a local Kilgore executive who is back and forth to England so–he imported an English secretary.

Employed an English secretary and brought her here.

He, the executive, was on another business trip to England . . .

When his Texas office received a phone call.

And his secretary dutifully told the caller, “Oh, Mr. so-and-so–apparently you hadn’t heard–Mr. Allen has gone to the United Kingdom.”

The caller said, “I am sorry.  Terribly sorry.  Is it too late to send flowers?”

May 7, 1984

MORE FROM PAUL HARVEY #14

And here are two more timeless items from Paul Harvey’s For What It’s Worth:

Our For What It’s Worth Department is convinced John Robert Ford, 29, of Williamson, West Virginia–is a talker.

We’ll see if he can talk himself out of this.

A Lexington, Kentucky, woman married him last March believing him to be football star Joe Montana.

And she became Mrs. Montana.

When this made news–another woman in Nashville recognized his picture.

Another wife.

She thought she had married Hank Williams’s piano player.

She admits it was probably her fault that he left her.

She presented him with a San Francisco 49ers warm-up jacket.

That’s when he decided to be Joe Montana.

August 20, 1986 

 

Flint, Michigan, police tell our For What It’s Worth Department they now have a computerized list of all unmarked police cars.

Flint, Michigan, police can now recognize one another–even in unmarked police cars–because they have this complete list.

It identifies makes, models, and license plate numbers of all unmarked police cars.

They got the list from local crooks during a drug raid.

March 9, 1989

MORE FROM PAUL HARVEY #13

And here are two more timeless items from Paul Harvey’s For What It’s Worth:

For What It’s Worth Departmentclosed circuit for members of First Presbyterian Church, Columbia, California.

Your church board AUTHORIZED YOUR PASTOR’S ATTENDANCE at that week-long study conference . . .

A week-long retreat involving Bible study . . .

A STUDY conference.

It was a typographical misprint in your church bulletin which said Pastor Jim McClusky will be away this week attending “a stud conference”.

And yes it IS too late for others to sign up.

February 15, 1989

 

Our For What It’s Worth Department sympathizes with New Yorkers–whose resistance just gets worn down by the tribulations of Manhattan’s every-where and ever-present dangers.

Bob Herguth reports two women wearing mink coats entered a luxury apartment elevator in New York . . .

Before the doors closed a man got in leading a Doberman pinscher.

“Sit!” the man commanded.

And without a single word or a moment’s wait the two women sat down right there on the elevator floor.

January 13, 1982

MORE FROM PAUL HARVEY #12

And here’s another timeless item from Paul Harvey’s For What It’s Worth:

Our For What It’s Worth Department hears from Oceanside, California.

Robber wearing a motorcycle helmet and carrying a gun strode into the branch bank . . .

Selected a teller who appeared fiftyish, soft, kindly, an easy mark . . .

And handed her a note demanding money or her life.

Money or I’ll blow your head off–words to that effect.

The woman reached for the cash drawer . . .

Then she looked again at the note . . .

And her eyes flashed . . .

Her lips clenched . . .

She pulled the entire cash drawer out . . .

But instead of giving him money . . .

She clobbered the robber over the head with the drawer . . .

And again and again . . .

And she is scolding him . . .

Money is flying everywhere and she is beating him and shouting shame on him and bouncing blows off his helmet . . .

Until the young man turned and ran.

Police caught him in nearby shrubbery.

THEN they asked the woman teller . . .

How come she was about to give him money at gunpoint and then, suddenly, instead, became enraged?

She said, “In his note there was a very naughty word.”

July 18, 1979

MORE FROM PAUL HARVEY #11

And here are two more timeless items from Paul Harvey’s For What It’s Worth:

Our For What It’s Worth Department woke a lot of people up all at once during an earlier broadcast this morning–with these words:

Jimmy Carter–roaring drunk and smashing up everything within reach–has been thrown out of the Moscow Olympics.

This is another Jimmy Carter.  A Scottish member of the British swimming team.

That’s not all.

In Detroit, a Jimmy Carter has been arrested for burglary . . .

And he was arrested by police officer Richard Nixon.

July 30, 1980

 

Our For What It’s Worth Department is told that Dennis Weidman is principal of Central School in Amboy, Illinois.

He made a wager with his school’s fourth graders.

If they would read four books each in one month . . .

He pledged to climb a tree in the schoolyard and read another book to the youngsters–from up there in the tree.

They DID read four books each.

And Mr. Weidman DID climb the big elm tree.

He paused and stood on the first limb–but the youngsters below shouted, “Higher!”

He climbed higher.

They shouted, “Higher!”

And he laughed and climbed higher.

But then he stopped laughing and stopped climbing . . .

When one down below shouted, “Jump!”

May 11, 1989

MORE FROM PAUL HARVEY #10

And here are two more timeless items from Paul Harvey’s For What It’s Worth:

Our For What It’s Worth Department eavesdrops on a meeting of the Wayne Central Board of Education . . .

With 1976 behind them, the assembled heard a report from Assistant Superintendent of Schools Gerald Greenstein.

And he presented to the Board a collection of excuses which parents had written to teachers this past year.

One says:  My son is under doctor’s care and should not stay in school this afternoon; please execute him.

One says:  Please excuse Blanche from physical education for a few days.  She fell from a tree and misplaced her hip.

Here’s Superintendent Greenstein’s favorite–

Dear school:  Pleas exkuse John from being absent October 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33.

It’s signed, Cincerely.

Spelled with two “C”s.

January 11, 1977

 

For What It’s Worth . . .

Midwest Burger King was robbed last night.

Police have arrested . . .

Are you ready for this?

Burger King was robbed last night and police have arrested eighteen-year-old Ronald McDonald.

April 5, 1979


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