Posts Tagged 'Worth Department'



MORE FROM PAUL HARVEY #23

Here are three more timeless items from Paul Harvey’s For What It’s Worth:

Our For What It’s Worth Department heard from Doc Blakely about a chap who traveled a lot . . .

And every time he was out of town his house was robbed.

The burglaries stopped after they arrested–his travel agent.

August 6, 1984

 

For What It’s Worth . . .

Virginia Young–is cashier at McDonald’s restaurant drive-up window in Des Peres, Missouri.

Cashier at the drive-up window.

She says enough of this customer.

He drives up to her window and orders a large Coke and he is wearing only a shirt.

Wearing nothing else.  Just a shirt.

So she called police after he came in that way–regularly.

For a year.

June 20, 1986 

 

Our For What It’s Worth Department hears of a great escape!

Gary Tindle was in a California courtroom charged with robbery.

He asked and got from Judge Armando Rodriguez permission to go to the bathroom.

While the bathroom DOOR was guarded–Mr. Tindle climbed up onto the plumbing and opened a panel in the ceiling.

Sure enough, a dropped ceiling with space between. 

He climbed up–and into the crawlspace–and headed south.

He’d gone thirty-some feet when the ceiling panels broke from under him and dropped him to the floor . . .

Right back in Judge Rodriguez’s courtroom.

December 4, 1986

MORE FROM PAUL HARVEY #22

Here are three more timeless items from Paul Harvey’s For What It’s Worth:

Our For What It’s Worth Department returns to Tulsa, Oklahoma . . .

Where jurors were being questioned about their availability for a week-long trial in the courtroom of Judge Thomas Brett.

One prospective juror asked to be excused.

He said his wife was going to “conceive a baby”.

Judge Brett asked, “Don’t you mean she is going to deliver a baby?”

The man said, “No–she is going to conceive a baby.”

Judge excused him from jury duty . . .

Said he was not sure he understood but, he said, “Either way you ought to be there.”

March 26, 1981

 

Our For What It’s Worth Department knows that when Grey Baker goes golfing in Jackson, Mississippi–he has taken his three-year-old grandson Trevor along as a companion . . .

The boy has been learning the game by watching.

Last week Grandpa Baker bought the lad a set of play golf clubs of his own.

This past weekend–during a family cookout in the backyard–the little lad who’d learned golf by observing Grandpa announced, “Watch me!”

And he said a no-no word and threw his golf club up into the pear tree.

November 3, 1986

 

Our For What It’s Worth Department knows Vice President Dan Quayle is on the campaign trail–in Champaign-Urbana–campaining for an Illinois politician, Representative Lynn Martin.

Organizers of the political rally got schoolchildren excused from school for the parade–asked the youngsters to wave and cheer when the motorcade came by.

And they did.

They did indeed wave and cheer.

Only trouble was that the first motorcade to come by was a FUNERAL!

September 24, 1990

MORE FROM PAUL HARVEY #21

Here are two more timeless items from Paul Harvey’s For What It’s Worth:

Our For What It’s Worth Department has learned that Duluth, Minnesota, is where a city council-man . . .

George Downs . . .

In City Hall . . .

Put his briefcase down while he put his coat on . . .

Put his briefcase down behind a statue in the lobby . . .

And forgot it . . .

Left it there . . .

When he went across the street for dinner.

He returned to City Hall in time to hear there’d been a “bomb threat”.

But the bomb squad had taken care of it.

They had opened a mysterious briefcase–with a blast of high-pressure water–and the whole lobby was wallpapered with George’s soggy, shredded papers.

April 16, 1986

 

Our For What It’s Worth Department hears that Speedy Morris–basketball coach for La Salle University–was shaving when his wife called out to tell him he was wanted on the phone by Sports Illustrated.

Speedy Morris was so excited by the prospect of national recognition that he nicked himself with his razor and ran–with a mixture of blood and lather on his face–and fell down the steps.

But he got to the phone.

And the voice on the other end said:

“For just seventy-five cents an issue you can get a one-year trial subscription . . .”

July 7, 1989

MORE FROM PAUL HARVEY #20

And here are two more timeless items from Paul Harvey’s For What It’s Worth:

Larry Stone of Paducah, Kentucky, tells our For What It’s Worth Department that he was recently on a plane from St. Louis preparing to land in Los Angeles.

He was in the washroom . . .

When he heard a rap on the door and a woman’s voice said:  “Don’t forget to wash your hands, comb your hair and zip up your pants before you come out!”

Larry did as he was told.

Then came out to be greeted by a woman who suddenly turned beet red and almost fainted.

She said she’d thought her young son was in there.

Larry said he didn’t mind being reminded.

October 18, 1990

 

Mrs. Patricia Pitt of Ogden, Utah, tells our For What It’s Worth Department that she presented her own small children . . .

With a videocassette . . .

And told them to have fun . . .

Which they did . . .

For forty minutes . . .

Watching what’s called a “skin flick”.

Forty minutes of steamy pornography.

Mrs. Pitt, horrified when she found out what it was, says she had not examined the cassette carefully when she’d rented it.

She’d noted only that the Disney cartoon character GOOFY was on the label.

She had not even read the title:  The Nine Ages of Nakedness.

Her youngsters, all under age six, thought it was “funny”.

August 9, 1984

MORE FROM PAUL HARVEY #19

And here are two more timeless items from Paul Harvey’s For What It’s Worth:

Our For What It’s Worth Department wonders if you heard about the customer who presented a credit card at David Burr–the Irving, Texas, clothing store.

Young woman presented this credit card to the cashier.

The cashier asked, “What is your name?”

Customer said, “Diane Klos.”

Cashier asked, “And what is your address?”

Customer gave her address.  It was the address on the credit card.

But the cashier announced, “You came to the wrong place.  I am Diane Klos; that is my address and that is MY credit card.”

And THEN she summoned police.

February 4, 1987

 

Our For What It’s Worth Department says NOW it can be told:

Before the Carters left the White House . . .

Daughter Amy needed help with some homework.

It was a Friday and the homework assignment was due on Monday.

A question about the industrial revolution.

Neither she nor her mother quite understood the question, so mother Rosalyn asked a White House aide to ask the Labor Department.

Sunday afternoon a truck pulled up at the White House loaded with a computer printout.

Somebody assumed it was information the President urgently needed.

So the Labor Department had kept a full computer team working all weekend to prepare the information.

When mother Rosalyn was told that the research had cost hundreds of thousands of taxpayer dollars she was horrified.

But it was too late to do anything about it.

So the information was used to help Amy complete her homework.

On that homework assignment–Amy got a “C”.

February 9, 1981

MORE FROM PAUL HARVEY #18

And here are three more  timeless items from Paul Harvey’s For What It’s Worth:

Our For What It’s Worth Department hears from Jackson, Mississippi–where Lucille Goodyear reports all kinds of trouble driving to and from work.

She says it used to be easy . . .

No traffic problems . . .

No mad rat race . . .

But now, Wow!  Cars coming from all directions.

She says it’s been that way ever since she got her new glasses.

April 23, 1979

 

For What It’s Worth . . .

Entertainer Tom Jones had a photographer follow him into a public toilet on a British freeway.

The girl with the camera ran into the washroom and climbed over the door into his toilet cubicle . . .

He pushed her out the door.

Last words he heard her say were, “I’ll never buy one of your records again!”

She did not say why.

May 24, 1982

 

Our For What It’s Worth Department has an item of interest for Duncanville, Texas, suburban Dallas.

Your preschool PTA is holding a charity auction tomorrow.

Your preschool PTA is raising money.

You parents of preschoolers will be bidding on a prize donated by a local urologist . . .

A $500 vasectomy.

March 29, 1985

MORE FROM PAUL HARVEY #17

And here’s another timeless item from Paul Harvey’s For What It’s Worth:

Alex Thein of the Milwaukee Sentinel tells our For What It’s Worth Department . . .

Fred was a great practical joker.

When his three closest friends got married he played wedding night tricks on each.

Now Fred was getting married and he was quietly terrified of what THEY might do to HIM.

But nobody interrupted the minister.

Nobody sent naughty telegrams.

Nobody hid their suitcases or stole their champagne.

Not even a cake fight at the wedding reception.

When the honeymoon began Fred’s car started readily.  No flat tires.  Nothing strange in the trunk.  Not even any tin cans tied to the rear bumper.

Fred and his bride, relieved at their friends’ restraint, left for their hotel.

THE NEXT MORNING . . .

Fred picked up the bedroom phone and dialed for room service and ordered breakfast for two.

From the CLOSET . . . came a voice:

“Hey, Fred, make that breakfast for FIVE.  Okay?”

September 25, 1987

MORE FROM PAUL HARVEY #16

And here are three more timeless items from Paul Harvey’s For What It’s Worth:

Our For What It’s Worth Department sees that Harry Covert is contemplating running for state senate in Virginia. 

Harry Covert, among other things, has been a Little League umpire.

He thought this would be an advantage.

But campaigning, he knocked on a door in Lynchburg . . .

To the woman who came to the door he said, “I’m Harry Covert.”

She said, “I know who you are.  You called my son out at home plate!”

And she slammed the door.

March 25, 1983 

 

Our For What It’s Worth Department intercepts a transmission near Orlando, Florida.

State trooper radios a truck jockey on his CB.

State trooper asks, “What is your speed?”

Truck driver replies, “Fifty-five, officer, just fifty-five.”

State trooper radios back, “Then you’d better pull over and get out of the way–because I just clocked your trailer doing seventy!”

December 21, 1984

 

Our For What It’s Worth Department concedes . . .

One to a customer.

In the church bulletin of St. Bernard’s Church in Akron, Ohio, it says:

The church needs men to help serve during funerals during the week . . .

And nobody will have to serve EVERY week; the duty will be rotated.

And it says, We do not have a large number of funerals at St. Bernard’s; never more than one per person.

End quote.

All right.

December 13, 1977

MORE FROM PAUL HARVEY #15

And here’s another timeless item from Paul Harvey’s For What It’s Worth:

Our For What It’s Worth Department hears from Mary Meador of Kilgore, Texas.

Says she knows a local Kilgore executive who is back and forth to England so–he imported an English secretary.

Employed an English secretary and brought her here.

He, the executive, was on another business trip to England . . .

When his Texas office received a phone call.

And his secretary dutifully told the caller, “Oh, Mr. so-and-so–apparently you hadn’t heard–Mr. Allen has gone to the United Kingdom.”

The caller said, “I am sorry.  Terribly sorry.  Is it too late to send flowers?”

May 7, 1984

MORE FROM PAUL HARVEY #14

And here are two more timeless items from Paul Harvey’s For What It’s Worth:

Our For What It’s Worth Department is convinced John Robert Ford, 29, of Williamson, West Virginia–is a talker.

We’ll see if he can talk himself out of this.

A Lexington, Kentucky, woman married him last March believing him to be football star Joe Montana.

And she became Mrs. Montana.

When this made news–another woman in Nashville recognized his picture.

Another wife.

She thought she had married Hank Williams’s piano player.

She admits it was probably her fault that he left her.

She presented him with a San Francisco 49ers warm-up jacket.

That’s when he decided to be Joe Montana.

August 20, 1986 

 

Flint, Michigan, police tell our For What It’s Worth Department they now have a computerized list of all unmarked police cars.

Flint, Michigan, police can now recognize one another–even in unmarked police cars–because they have this complete list.

It identifies makes, models, and license plate numbers of all unmarked police cars.

They got the list from local crooks during a drug raid.

March 9, 1989


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